


Zayn's Diary

by ZiamandLarry_rulemylife



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Diary, Homophobia, M/M, Popular Harry, Popular Liam, Popular Louis, Self Harm, but only minor, not-so-popular niall, not-so-popular zayn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-17
Updated: 2014-12-31
Packaged: 2018-01-09 02:07:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 30,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1140179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZiamandLarry_rulemylife/pseuds/ZiamandLarry_rulemylife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn is the quiet, artistic boy in the back of the class, with a totally normal life. Except for the fact that he has a crush on the most popular boy in the entire school, football captain Liam Payne, and that his parents only really acknowledge his existence when he does something wrong. And, of course, the struggle with himself after he found out that he was gay. Okay, maybe his life isn't completely normal.</p><p>This is the story of the thoughts and events in the life of Zayn Malik, in his very own Diary.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I changed everything a little bit, so some things in this fanfic aren't true, but that's why it's called fanFICTION. Also, I don't own the boys (obviously). I'm not English myself, so there can be a few spelling mistakes or grammatical errors. Thank you and have fun reading my work.  
> My main Tumblr is shes1d-af  
> 

Dear diary,

I’m starting in this new diary today, but it doesn’t look _mine_ yet. It’s still the same brown leather cover as in the shop, and the pages look extremely empty without my doodles and thoughts imprinted on them. It looks strange, like it’s someone else’s, but I know it’ll change in a few weeks. So, on with my day.

Today was the first morning since the summer holidays, and I got my new schedule. And guess what? I have almost no classes with Niall, just my luck. And as turned out, I have almost all of my classes with Liam Payne, which I can’t decide is bad or good yet. So I was sitting, on my own, in my first class of the day, Advanced English, when Liam walks in. I almost fell off of my chair, and turned a brilliant red. I focused on my notebook and started to doodle a bit, while trying not to pay attention to Liam, when suddenly he is standing next to my desk and asks if he can sit next to me! He, the most popular person in the whole school, asked if he could sit next to me, the quiet kid who most people don’t even know the name of. I turned red again and stuttered a ‘yes of course’. I probably looked like a fool. “I’m Liam. Liam Payne.” He said kindly with a smile.

And oh, that smile, it could make the north pole melt. And those brown eyes, they are so beautiful, so soft and friendly, and his hair, don’t even get me started on that. It’s not hard to imagine that a lot of girls have a crush on him.

And again, I probably looked like a fool, staring at him, but can you blame me? I never talked to him before. “I’m Zayn. Malik.” I said quickly, so quietly that it was a wonder he heard it. “Nice to meet you, Zayn.” He said while shaking my hand, and that was that. Other students came in and the lesson started. If someone asked me what we did in that class, I couldn’t answer it. I was still thinking about how my name sounded out of his mouth and how his hand felt in my hand, like it was meant to be. That was probably my imagination.

As you can guess I have a major crush on Liam Payne. And it confuses me. Since when do I like boys? It all started a few weeks ago, when I saw him in the supermarket. I thought he was handsome, and the thought shocked me, because I never thought about a boy that way before. But, now I think about it, I was never interested in girls anyway. I cried when I realized it. I cried a lot. How can I ever come out? My dad would disown me. I guess I have to keep it a secret till I move out.

Anyway, after Advanced English I had art, which I also have without Niall. Liam was also in my art class. He sat with his friends Harry and Louis. I have the feeling that they take art because they can talk the whole period without the teacher saying anything about it, because they are shit at art, at least, Harry and Louis are. I’ve never seen something Liam made. We got the assignment to make a portrait of the person next to you. And of course, I sat alone. I looked around to find somebody else and I saw that Harry and Louis paired up, laughing loudly, and that Liam was also looking for a partner. Our eyes locked for a second, and then he got up and walked towards me with his stuff. I swear, my heart started beating so fast, I was afraid that I would have a heart attack right there. “Is it alright if I’m your partner?” he asked with that honey-sweet voice of his and the only thing I could do is nod stupidly. He sat down at the desk in front of me and I snapped out of my daze and started drawing him. We have five classes to finish it, I hope it’ll be enough time. Normally I finish my drawings at home if I don’t have enough time but with this one I can’t, except if I take Liam home, which, no. Just no. I was silent, as usual, for the whole lesson and tried to memorize every little detail about his face. Not only for the drawing but also because he is so handsome and I had an excuse to stare at him for the whole period.

  
During break I found Niall with so many food that if it hadn’t been Niall’s I had thought that it was for a whole family. But of course, it was Niall’s, and Niall eats so many that it’s a wonder that he isn’t fat, let alone be hungry every minute of the day. We talked about our holidays, Niall went back to Ireland to visit relatives. I did nothing but relax, read, eat, sleep a lot and draw. Sometimes some other things but that was my basic schedule for the summer.

When the bell rung we finally had a class together, math. I’m not good at math, and I should work harder on it, but there are too many numbers, and I just can’t bring myself to do it. And Liam was also in this class, so that means it’s even harder to concentrate now. The teacher droned on and on about numbers and stuff I can’t even remember the name of while I was staring at Liam. He looks so sexy concentrated. Screw that, he always looks sexy. The way he bit onto his pencil while looking at the board, the way his eyes scanned the page looking for what the teacher was asking for, the way his fingers drummed onto the table out of habit. I knew I was staring, but I simply couldn’t tear my gaze away. Luckily Liam didn’t see me staring, that’d be hard to explain. Math went by faster than normal, and as I packed my bag Niall was babbling excitingly about something I didn't bother paying attention to.

After math I had drama class. Now that was… interesting. Let’s just say that I have stage fright and I’m not a good actor. I don’t even know why I took the subject, it seemed like fun. It was, but again, Harry, Louis and Liam were in this class. I can’t concentrate with this boy everywhere! But yeah, drama class went by fast and we didn’t do much. We introduced ourselves and played a few silly acting games. I learned that Liam has two older sisters called Nicola and Ruth, and that he has one kidney which doesn’t function. He likes to sing in his free time and play football.

I walked home and stopped at the park. I continued my drawing of the group of trees with the old bench in the foreground. I only have to draw the last details and then it’s done. It turned out exactly like I wanted it to look like, so I guess it is a success. When I got home my mum was already cooking dinner. I just went up to my room to do the little bit of homework I had. My dad arrived home and soon after we had dinner. During dinner he kept talking about this gay couple who moved into the house across the street and how rude it is that they are influencing the kids here. I kept quiet. I hate this, I hate how my dad keeps putting gay people down while one of them is sitting in front of his nose.

I finished quickly and asked to be excused because I had to do ‘a lot of homework’. Once upstairs I searched for this diary.

  
I can’t get Liam out of my head. Those beautiful brown eyes and the kind smile haunt me, they are imprinted in my memory and I can’t get them out. I hate the effect he has on me, how he can make me all weak in the knees by only looking at him. Of course, it isn’t his fault, he doesn’t even know, but still, can’t he stop being so damn gorgeous? Okay wait, don’t do that. I don’t even know anymore.

I hope tomorrow will be a little bit easier.

Zayn


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter, just to have a small beginning.

Dear Diary,

Today my day started boring. I got up and showered, styled my hair, got dressed, ate breakfast on my own because my parents are too busy with their own lives to pay attention to their only child, grabbed my bag and walked to school.

All of my classes went by without many interesting things happening. I stared at Liam for almost all lessons and Niall started to notice. He looked at me suspiciously a few times, but let it slide. He’s going to confront me soon, I know him. I’m just waiting for the right moment to tell.

At the end of my last lesson, Niall was already waiting for me next to my locker, bouncing excitingly as if he ate too much sugar. I asked him what was up, and his answer was: “Haven’t you heard Zaynie? There’s going to be a talent show at school in a few weeks! I want to take part!” I already noticed the unanswered question hanging in the air. “No. Absolutely not Niall. Not doing it. You know I can’t sing in front of people.” “But you sang in front of me!” “That’s different!” “I’ll tell you who I’m dating.” And that’s how Niall got me to take part in a talent show at school. I’m nervous already.

Niall came with me after school, so we could decide what song we are going to sing. And, of course, to find out who Niall is dating. So we threw our bags on the floor, sat down on my bed, and I was looking at him expectantly. He suddenly appeared very nervous, and I couldn’t help thinking that this person would be very important for him then. He softly started talking. “You’ll always be my friend right? No matter what happens?” I nodded quietly, what would be so important that it made bubbly, giggly, happy, hyper Niall so quiet? “And you would never judge me, ever?” I quickly shook my head. Why would he think that I’d ever do that? I was really confused at that point, because what would make him think that I could ever hate him? “I’m… I’m g-gay Zaynie.” He said, and started crying softly. He buried his head in his hands and started sobbing.

My head was working on full speed. Suddenly everything fell into place. I quickly brought my attention back to the sobbing mess called Niall. I engulfed him in a hug and soothingly rubbed his back.

“Shh, it’s all going to be okay.” After a while he shakily looked up.

“Y-you don’t h-hate me?” he said while looking down at his hands again.

“No, of course not, how could I ever hate you?” he smiled and hugged me again.

Okay, now was the opportunity, I could tell him now. I took a deep breath and said it, maybe a little bit softer than I wanted it to sound, but I still told him. “It’d be a bit hypocritical if I’d hate you, wouldn’t it be?” I held my breath while Niall pulled away from the hug. He looked at me in confusion, and then realization dawned on his face. “You-you’re gay too?” and that’s how I told Niall that I was gay.

The spirits where higher now, so I asked him who the lucky lad was. He blushed so red, I thought he was going to explode. Reminding him that he promised, I got him to say it. “Oh god this is stupid. I’m not going to tell you- don’t look at me like that Zaynie, this is stupid. Okay, okay, no need to get violent, it is… Damon.”

“Can you repeat it Nialler, I couldn’t hear you because you had a pretty bad coughing fit there. Are you alright?” I said with sarcasm thick in my voice.

“Damon.” He sighed defeated.

“From the football team?” I asked confused, because I didn’t know Damon was gay.

“Yeah, but don’t tell anybody, because he is still in the closet!” That makes sense. Now I think about it, they fit pretty nicely. I mean, Damon has a few tattoos and all, but he is nice to everyone and never brags or something. Plus, he has the friendly face. Niall was waiting nervously for my reaction.

“I hope he treats you well.” Was all I said, before Niall flung himself around my neck. I guess he was pretty happy with my approval.

He called Damon over, since it was only four, and my parents weren’t home. Damon looked at Ni with so much adoration in his eyes when he arrived, I couldn’t help but think that he was perfect for my little Nialler. When Niall told Damon that he told me about them, he looked scared, like, properly scared. I only smiled at him and told him that it was totally fine. They acted all lovey-dovey around each other and it was almost sickening to watch. They shared this little kisses, which I couldn’t help but coo at, and they hugged a lot. I warned them that they shouldn’t act that way around my parents though, and they looked at me questionably. I only told them that they weren’t as accepting as I am.  
They shrugged and went back to being so damn adorable and I really started to feel like the fifth wheel. After a while I asked them how long they were dating, because I was pretty curious how long Niall hadn’t told me. They’ve dated for a little over three months now. Three months! I felt a bit offended, but I understand. You first want it to be a little bit more serious before you tell your parents and friends, right?

So that’s how we got on that topic. I asked if their parents knew. Niall answered with a ‘No, but I’m going to tell them soon.’ and Damon got a bit fidgety and told me that he didn’t live with his real parents, but he lived in a foster home. I didn’t know that, and he asked me if I would please keep it silent, because he didn’t want anybody to know. He also said that he is planning to tell them, but he’s first going to drop a few hints, to see how they react on the whole ‘being gay’ thing, and if they take it well, he’ll come out. I also asked him if he’s going to come out in school. I was afraid that he wouldn’t want to do that, with the ‘football player reputation’ and shit, but he smiled so big I was afraid that his face would split in two and he said: “Why wouldn’t I want to tell everyone that this gorgeous boy is mine?” and in that small little sentence he earned all my respect.

When it was half past five, and Damon almost had to go home, I asked one last question.

“Why did you tell me all of this? I mean, you don’t really know me. Aren’t you afraid that I’ll tell someone?” He just shrugged and told me that if I was such a good friend of Niall, I had to be trustable. And that I didn’t look like I wanted to tell someone. Than he gave Niall another kiss and went on his way.

I talked a bit with Niall and then my parents got home and we had dinner. Niall ate with us, and my dad started ranting again about the ‘disgusting gay couple across the street’ and Niall was uncomfortable. I saw it written all over his face. I can’t blame him, it is really stupid that my parents talk like that, but what can I do about it? He looked up at me a few times with a look on his face that just screamed ‘How do you do this every day?’ I just shrugged and finished my dinner. Than Niall went home and I just went up to my room with the excuse that I felt really tired and I was going to bed, and cried.

I don’t even know why I cried, it was a combination of everything. I cried because of my feelings for Liam, I cried because I told Niall that I was gay, I cried because my parents are going to hate me, I cried because Damon his parents couldn’t take care of him. But most of all I cried because I hate it. I hate that I am gay. I hate me.

Zayn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thank you for reading this!


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Diary,

Today is Friday, and I’ll write about the last three days in one entry, because I was simply too tired to write the last couple of nights.

Wednesday was… well, exhausting. At first I had Advanced English, in which Liam sits next to me, and he started talking to me. We were both a bit too early and I was drawing the last details in the drawing of the park, which I kind of pictured in my head. I was so engrossed by the way my pencil needed to make the stroke at exactly the right length, the right place, that I didn’t hear Liam coming in and sitting down until he asked me what I was drawing. I jumped and quickly looked at my drawing to see if my jump had left a mark. Luckily it hadn’t. “I’m drawing the park.” I mumbled softly while starting to draw again. “Can I see?” he asked, and after doubting for a moment, I turned the drawing just the slightest bit so he could see it. “Wow.” He simply said. “I didn’t know someone could do that.” He added. I blushed a little bit and shrugged, while looking down at my hands.

“Thank you? I guess.” I said softly. Why can’t I be social and outgoing? Of course I had to be the shy one. He only chuckled a bit and we started to talk about nonsense, like what our hobbies are, do we have siblings, that kind of thing. Small talk. Then students came in again and the lesson started. I glanced at him a few times, but not too often, because I didn’t want him to notice it.

After that the day progressed slowly. Niall and I hung out again, because we forgot to choose a song to sing at the talent show Tuesday. We actually took the whole afternoon to find a song. It was difficult, because it has to fit our voices, Niall has to be able to play it on the guitar in the end, and we couldn’t look stupid. So in the end, we choose for the song ‘I Gotta Feeling’, kind of flowing over in ‘Stereo Hearts’, because we couldn’t choose between the two and we sounded fine singing it. We rehearsed a few times, and it actually went quite okay. We obviously have to rehearse a lot more, but it’ll all work out fine. Only two weeks left till the show, I’m already so nervous, I can’t even imagine how I’ll feel that day.

At dinner dad started ranting again, and this time I didn’t even think of an excuse, I just stood up and walked away. I also cried that night. Again.

Yesterday was even worse. I had art first period, and I continued the portrait of Liam. Most of the time I work from the inside to the outside, first I draw the rough sketch and then I start the details in the eyes, slowly making my way to the side of his face and the hair. I only worked on the details of the eyes that lesson though, because eyes are said to be ‘the window to the soul’, and show so many emotions. I think I’m quite finished with them now. We didn’t talk that lesson, only greeting each other. He looked concentrated, and I have to admit that it was really adorable.

During math it all went wrong. I was staring at Liam for the whole lesson, and at one point he looked around and caught me. I blushed and looked down as fast as possible. That wasn’t it though, at the end of the lesson the teacher, Miss Johnson, asked me to stay for a moment. Nervously biting my bottom lip, I made my way towards her desk. “You look kind of troubled during class, mister Malik, and you aren’t paying attention.” She said. I didn’t really see the point in this. “Maybe you could use some tutoring from another student?” she asked, not unkindly. I knew I needed it, but my parents would be so disappointed. But they also would be disappointed if I told them about the real me. I quickly made the decision. They would be even more disappointed if I failed class.

“Who would that student be?” I asked softly. “Can you maybe wait here for a moment, I asked him to wait outside, in case you decided to do it.” She said with a smile. I looked at her while she stood up and walked towards the door. I swallowed again, suddenly nervous. I really hoped it would be someone I at least felt neutral about. Miss Johnson stepped out of the way to reveal Liam. Of course it had to be Liam. I’m kind of glad that it is Liam though, because I can at least talk to him. “You have to schedule the tutoring sessions yourself. Any questions?” Miss Johnson asked. I shook my head while Liam replied with a polite ‘no’. “I’ll leave you to arrange a day.” She said while walking out of the classroom.

I looked at my shoes for a bit, but after a few moments I looked up and studied his eyes for a second or two. “So…” I said awkwardly. “I’m available at Mondays and Fridays. Are you too? Then we could schedule them then. Also, on Friday we can do it at my house, but Mondays would be easier at yours, if possible.” Liam said, with that smile again. “That is okay.” I said quietly. “Maybe we can exchange numbers? That way we can text if something comes up.” He smiled again, with a glint in his eyes. I nodded. “Yes, that’s a good idea.” I quickly grabbed my phone out of my pocket and handed it to him, so he could put his number in. I did the same in his phone. “Well, see you tomorrow then.” He said, and walked away. I had to calm myself down because I had Liam’s number. And he is coming over at my house. But, more important, I was going to see his house. The next day.

I swallowed the lump in my throat, again. I was deep in thought while walking towards our normal table. Niall was already there, and started babbling again about everything that went around in his head. “Are you even listening to me?” he asked at one moment, while eyeing me carefully. I snapped out of it and looked at him quickly. Somewhat guiltily I shook my head and looked down. “Just thinking.” I mumbled. “Oi, I wouldn’t do that if I were you, can’t hurt that pretty little head of yours.” He joked, while patting my head to emphasize the point. I swatted his hand away and cracked a smile too. Soon Niall saw that it was serious, and gave me the ‘we’ll-talk-later’ look.

After school we, once again, hung out, but this time at Niall’s house. We got something to snack and I prayed that he would have forgotten about what happened during lunch. First we rehearsed the songs for a while. When we finished that, I actually thought he would have forgotten about it. Of course, no such luck. “So, what were you thinking about during lunch.” I debated in my head if I should tell him or not. I hate lying to Niall, but I am very good at it. This time however, I simply went with the truth. “I like someone.” I said shyly. Niall’s eyebrows shot up and he got that kind of grin. “Oh my God Zaynie tell me who!” Niall said in a rush. This time my eyebrows shot up. “You know you sound like a girl, right?” I told him with an amused smile. “Don’t avoid the subject, tell me.” he said while looking at me expectantly. “Liam.” I said softly. Why is my voice always that quiet? “No way.” Niall breathed. “And that’s not even the worst part, my math teacher got him to tutor me. At his house tomorrow, and Monday at mine. I’m freaking out Ni.” I said, my voice growing panicky at the end of the sentence. “It’s gonna be alright.” Niall said soothingly.

Then my phone rung and my parents asked where I was, because it was dinner time. I quickly packed my bag and after a few more soothing words of Niall I was on my way. When I opened the front door, I already smelled the scent of fresh cooked dinner. My parents were already seated at the table and were politely waiting for their son to come join. I mumbled a quick apology and sat down. During dinner a lot of small talk was made, almost like they weren’t my family, but acquaintances. I patiently waited for dinner to be over, and went upstairs, after saying that I was tired. I couldn’t sleep, again, and cried, again.

Today I was so nervous. I skipped breakfast, because only looking at the pancakes made me nauseous, and walked to school. Niall was waiting at my locker, as always, and while I grabbed my books he was watching me carefully. We’ve been friends long enough to know each other’s habits, and I knew that he knew that I was nervous. He saw my bitten off nails, and the teeth marks in my bottom lip. He decided not to talk to me, which was a good decision, seeing that I wouldn’t bother listening to him.

The day flew past, way too soon for my liking, and before I knew it the bell rung at the end of my last period. Liam wasn’t in this class with me, so I had no idea where to find him. I walked to my locker, and to my surprise Liam was already waiting there. He was leaning against my locker with one foot against it. His hands were stuffed in his pockets while his eyes were searching around for something. Soon he saw me and waved me over. “Hey.”  He said when I was within hearing range. “Hey.” I responded, quietly again, why can’t I stop doing that? He gestured for me to follow and walked towards the parking spots, where his car was parked. I got in and he drove off.

The silence was somewhat awkward but I didn’t know what to say. After a minute or so, I really couldn’t handle it anymore, so I gestured towards the radio and asked “May I?” He nodded and soon the car was filled with Ed Sheeran’s voice singing ‘The A-team’. Liam started singing along after a while, and it was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. The next few minutes we just sat in a peaceful, not awkward anymore, silence. At some moments Liam sung along to the radio, but then he would stop abruptly. After a while, we pulled up to an unbelievably big house, even bigger than mine. And mine was what most people would consider massive. The gates opened and he drove towards the garage.

We got out of the car and walked into the house. I left my shoes at the door, copying Liam. We walked through the massive hall into a modern kitchen, him gesturing for me to sit down. He asked if I wanted anything to drink or eat, and I shyly asked for water. When he handed me the glass, I heard footsteps coming this way from the hall. A middle-aged woman appeared in the doorway. “Hello honey, how was your day at school?” she asked Liam with a nice smile, which crinkled her eyes the tiniest bit. Then her eyes fell on me. “Oh hello, what’s your name?” she asked kindly, curiously studying me. “I’m Zayn.” I said softly, a little bit shy. “You must be a friend of Liam. Are you new here? I’ve never seen you before.” She asked. “I’m not new here. I live a few blocks away, in the old mansion.” I explained, making vague hand gestures in the general direction of my house. She opened her mouth to say something else, but Liam cut her off saying that we would go study upstairs.

His room was also very big, and it was mostly white and blue. He flopped on his back on the bed after throwing his bag on the ground. I stood awkwardly in the doorway, not knowing what to do. He looked up and saw me standing there. He told me to go sit at his desk. I sat down and studied his profile as he was looking at the ceiling. He turned towards me and looked at me for a few seconds, in which I held my breath. Then he got up, walked towards me and sat down. I grabbed my math books and he started explaining some things. I don’t know how, but I understand now.

After an hour or so, we stopped. I didn’t really know if I had to go already, but I think Liam didn’t expect me to leave yet. We started talking and I felt comfortable with him. He was easy to talk to and I lost the shy tone a bit, and soon I started laughing out loud at his jokes. It normally takes me longer to be less shy around people. When I needed to go home, he surprised me by hugging me. “Maybe we can hang out another time.” He said, but it sounded more like a question. “I’d like that.” I said with a smile.

I walked home with a smile on my face and it stayed there the whole evening, even when my parents were ignoring me, as usually. And for once, I’m not sad.

Zayn

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took a little bit longer than planned to update, sorry, but here you go. Hope you'll like it!

Dear diary,

Today is Monday. I, once again, am going to write the past three days in one entry.

Saturday I first did my homework, then I didn’t know what to do. Kind of sad, isn’t it? I texted Niall, but he had a date with Damon. So I was alone. I was thinking of what to do when my phone buzzed again. I expected it to be Niall or… well no one else. I expected it to be Niall. I almost dropped my phone when the screen displayed a new text from Liam. He asked if I could hang out. I don’t understand why he wants to spend time with me. I replied with a ‘Yes, your house?’ and after a few minutes I was on my way.

I walked, because no matter how rich my parents are, I still don’t get a car. It wasn’t far away, only a few blocks, so I was there in ten minutes. I rang the doorbell, and Karen, Liam’s mother, opened the door. “Oh hello Zayn! Nice to see you again. How are you?” she said enthusiastically. “Hello Karen. I’m good, how are you?” I asked with a smile. Liam appeared behind her just as she was about to answer. “Hi Zayn! You coming?” he pointed at the stairs. I nodded and with a kind smile I was off again towards Liam’s room.

He flopped on the bed again, just like the day before, but this time I didn’t hesitate to drop down next to him. We first laid in a comfortable silence for a while, just thinking. I was thinking about how weird it is that I have a crush on Liam, but still can talk to him better than I can to normal people. We played some video games, in which I lost, and watched a movie. We couldn’t decide which one, but in the end we went with toy story because it was Liam’s favourite. We started laying side by side, but somehow we ended with my head in his lap, while he played with my hair. Which, by the way, is quite special, nobody can touch my hair. It was seven by then and Liam asked me if I would like to have dinner at his house. Of course, I said yes. I called my parents to ask if it was okay. They couldn’t care less. I’m pretty sure that I could stay away for weeks and they would only notice when school calls.

At the dinner table it was very chatty. Everybody was talking, unlike the dinners I was used to. I met Geoff, Liam’s father, during dinner. He was very nice and we talked a little bit. I noticed that his sisters weren’t there and as if he could read my mind, Liam told me that Nicola and Ruth are already off to college. At the dinner table his parents asked me about my parents, how school goes, what my hobbies are. They just nodded and asked some more questions. In the end Liam asked me to stay the night, and I didn’t object. I don’t know how, but it feels like we’ve been best friends for years, while we only officially met a week ago.

I wanted to walk home to pick up some stuff, but Liam insisted on driving me there. On the way, he sang along to the radio again, this time to the song ‘Your Song’ by Elton John. As I opened the door I heard my parents watching TV in the living room. I stuck my head in and said that I was going to stay the night at Liam’s house, but dad only looked my way and looked back at the TV again. I sighed and went up to my room. I packed a bag with some clothes, toothbrush, hair gel, a drawing pad and pencils. I decided not to take my journal because my world would end if Liam found it. We were back at Liam’s house fifteen minutes later, and went up to his room again.

We started talking again, me with my head in his lap again while he played with my hair, when he suddenly asked: “Do your parents care?” “About what?” I asked. “You.” I was thrown off guard by that one. It made me question it, do they care? I thought about it. They don’t talk to me, and as long as it doesn’t affect them they don’t even act as if they care. I remember this one time when I was eight years old and I made a drawing of us together as a family, and dad threw it away because ‘if I wanted art I’d buy it’. I realized that I hadn’t answered his question, and it took me pretty long to answer it, but he didn’t seem to mind. “No.” I breathed out. It was weird to say it out loud. I had never told anyone before. Niall could just see it when he was with me. It hit me then, they really didn’t. I was just kind of there while they lived their lives. Suddenly I was biting back tears. I wasn’t going to cry in front of Liam, I really wasn’t.

I felt a tear slowly rolling down my cheek, landing on the fabric of Liam’s jeans, leaving a dark spot there. Liam looked at me with sadness in his eyes. Not pity, sadness. “Please don’t cry.” He said softly. The hand in my hair stopped playing with it and pulled me into a hug. Only then the tears really started. Before I knew it, I was sobbing into his shirt. I never cried in front of anybody else, so this was weird. After about ten minutes I pulled back and dried my eyes with my sleeve. Embarrassed, I looked down and started stuttering apologies. “Don’t be embarrassed, we all cry sometimes.” He said, with that kind smile again. I didn’t really know what to answer, so I just gave him a wobbly smile.

We started talking about the deeper stuff, like secrets and insecurities. I’ve only known him for a week! How can I talk to him so easily? I think I do because I feel like he listens, but not only that, I also feel like he cares. So now I know that he doesn’t like the attention that he gets because he’s footie captain, and that he hates his eyebrows. He hates that everybody uses him for popularity, he wants people to like him for who he is. He hates that everybody judges him and thinks to know him. I told him about my parents, and that they just don’t care, and how I feel lonely most of the time. I also told him that I feel as if I’m not good enough most of the time because my parents don’t care. Maybe, if I would be better in sports, or get better marks, they’d pay attention to me. I told him about my hobbies, and how I’ve always been more quiet and creative than the other kids, and that I was an outcast because of that. And we talked about so much more.

Then, around 3am, he made me promise not to laugh or run away. I nodded, and he told me that he’s gay. And I didn’t laugh. I didn’t run away. I sat there, with my jaw dropped. He looked at me uncertain about my reaction, and the first thing I said was: “That makes two of us then.” And then I laughed, and he joined in, and we laughed together about something that wasn’t even funny. We fell asleep soon after.

The next morning when I woke up, I was confused at first. I never really slept anywhere else than my own room or Niall’s. After a while it sort of came back to me, and I saw that Liam was already up. He was laying on his bed, reading, in only his boxer briefs, in which he went to sleep last night. I couldn’t help but look at the muscles in his arms and back. He put away his book when he saw that I was awake and asked if I slept well. I nodded, still a bit sleepy, and started stretching. Soon, we were both dressed and headed downstairs in search of breakfast. We found a pile of blueberry pancakes with a note in front of it saying that his parents were visiting his aunt. We ate a bit and played video games again.

The morning soon became afternoon, which was replaced by evening. His parents also weren’t there for dinner, so we made lasagna together, which actually turned out quite well. Then it was ten and I really needed to go home, so Liam brought me with the car and told me that he had fun and that he hoped we would do it again soon. When I walked in my parents didn’t even say hello, they just continued watching TV. I went straight up to my room and started drawing again.

This morning, Niall was waiting in front of my locker again, and he asked me how Friday went. I told him about my weekend and he was happy for me that I had found another friend. The day progressed slowly and boring, and I felt so relieved when the bell rung. Liam was waiting at my locker again, and I followed him to his car. I told him my address in case he had forgotten and we drove towards my house. It was a lot less awkward this time and he asked about my day and told me about his. He sang along to the radio while I listened. He has such a beautiful voice, I can’t believe it.

“Hey Liam” I tried to get his attention. He stopped singing and glanced at me. “Are you going to take part in the talent show?” I asked. “Yes, I’m going to sing with Harry and Lou, you?” I smiled, of course he took part. “Yeah, I’m kinda going to sing with Ni.” I said it cautious, as if he was going to attack me or something. “Really? I didn’t know you could sing.” He said surprised. “That’s because I don’t really sing in front of people, but Niall wanted me to and eh, I love singing so I thought why not?” I started rambling a bit, but Liam didn’t seem to mind.

We turned into my parking lot and Liam turned off the car. “Now I want to hear you sing.” He pouted, with puppy eyes, and oh no, not the puppy eyes. I started blushing and mumbled a ‘maybe’. I unlocked the door and kicked my shoes off, Liam followed suit. I offered him something to drink but he politely declined. Just like the first time we only really studied for about an hour, and after that we went upstairs to my room.

I opened my door and let Liam in. I was curious about his reaction, seeing that my room was decorated in black and white with my own drawings on my walls. “Wow” he said, while looking around with wide eyes. He started to walk around to look closer to everything. “You drew all of this?” I shyly nodded and he looked back at the drawings. “That’s pretty awesome.” He said, looking away from the drawings and laying down on my bed. We talked about everything again, and it was quite comforting, to be able to talk about things with someone. We sound like girls, don’t we? With all the talking and stuff. Believe me, last time I checked I wasn’t a girl. Don’t know about Liam but I’m pretty sure that he isn’t either. We lost track of time again and before we knew it Liam had to go home and I had to eat dinner with my parents again.

They didn’t even acknowledge me and just chatted with each other. Somewhere during dinner they started talking about the gay couple again. But that wasn’t it, they started talking about something else. “If my son would be gay, I wouldn’t even look at him anymore. What a disgrace to the family. Why would he make such a choice?” Dad said, while mum nodded along approvingly. “I wouldn’t hesitate to throw him out.” Mum added. I felt sick in the stomach and shoved my plate away and stood up. They didn’t even spare me a glance. I went up to my room and started drawing.

I didn’t even know what I was drawing until it started to shape a little bit. There was a little scared boy sitting against a wall, folded into himself, tugging at his hair. Around him there were demons, scary monsters who tried to claw at him. I knew exactly what I had drawn. It was a place I know so well, so familiar to me. I recognized each and every demon. It was a scary place, where no one wants to be, but I’m stuck in it.

It was my head.

Zayn


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that it took so long! Enjoy this chappie

 

Dear diary,

It’s Friday again! This week flew past so fast, I totally forgot to write it down.

Tuesday Niall wasn’t at school because he was ill, so I was on my own. When lunchtime rolled around I really didn’t know where to sit. I was thinking about where to go when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and saw Liam smiling down at me. “Do you wanna sit with us?” he asked, gesturing towards the table where Harry and Louis were sitting. I nodded shyly and he walked away, me following behind.

Liam sat down and I really didn’t know what I was expected to do, so I sat down next to him. Guess it was the right thing to do because he turned towards Harry and Louis, who were laughing loudly. “Boys!” he said. They looked at Liam expectantly before their eyes fell on me. “Who are you?” Louis asked. “I, ehm, I’m Zayn.” I said quietly, with a small wave. “Well, I’m Harry, and this is Louis, my b-” Harry cut himself off, while shooting a look at Liam. “It’s alright Haz, he’s fine.” Liam said. “My boyfriend.” Harry said all happy and smiley.

“Nice to meet you.” I said. I ate my food quietly while I answered some questions they asked. “Are you going to take part in the talent show?” Lou asked at one moment. Yeah, I call them Lou and Haz now. “Yeah, I’m going to sing with Ni.” I answered. “We are going to sing too! Wait, who is Ni?” “Niall. He’s my friend, but he’s not here now.” A concentrated look settled on Louis’ face. “Oh, I know who! That’s the Irish kid with the blonde hair who eats far too much, right?” I couldn’t help but chuckle at the description. “Yes, that’s him.” “Maybe we can meet him too!” Louis cheered. He is kind of enthusiastic about everything. “Lou, calm down. Don’t want to scare him off, do you?” Harry said.

When the bell rung I only had one class left. Drama. We walked together with the four of us towards the drama room, chatting loudly. At least, they were chatting loudly and I was listening. When we got there the teacher was already waiting. We went to sit on the seats in the theatre, but the teacher told us to go sit in a circle on stage. We did some acting exercises again, but this time it was more fun because I was in a group. The teacher told us we have to perform a play in a few months. I’m already scared.

That afternoon I went to Niall’s house after school because we still needed to practice our singing.

That evening however, my parents started asking me questions, how I feel about gay people and that kinda thing. I told them that I thought that it didn’t really matter. They got angry and started shouting that it was wrong. Guess I can’t do anything right.

Then Wednesday rolled around, and Niall was at school again. I guess I was more quiet than usual, because Niall watched me, deep in thought. “Are you okay?” he asked me after a minute. I watched over to him, and sighed. “Yeah, just… stuff, at home.” He told me he was there for me, and that was that. We parted ways for first class, and came together again when it was lunchtime.

We were walking around, searching for a place to sit, when I saw Liam waving at me. I pulled at Niall’s sleeve and told him to follow me. We went over to the table and I sat down, while Niall still stood next to it, with the gigantic pile of food in his hands. I rolled my eyes. “Ni, sit down, They don’t bite.” I told him. He sat down on the chair next to mine, still a bit hesitantly. “Lou, Haz, Li, this is Niall, Ni, these are Louis, Harry and Liam.” I introduced them. “Hi.” Louis and Harry said at the same time, bursting into laughter afterwards. I rolled my eyes again. “Nice to meet you.” Liam said, while extending his hand to shake Niall’s. “Same to you.” Niall said, with a blinding smile. Then he got this glint in his eyes and glanced at me for a fraction of a second. “So Liam, it’s so nice to finally meet you, I’ve heard so much about you.” My eyes widened. Oh no, he wouldn’t.

“Niall.” I said in a warning tone. “Especially about your-” And that’s when I lost it. “Niall, can you kindly shut the fuck up?” I said, calmly, but much louder than I was used to. A light blush already covered my cheeks at that moment. It had effect, because Niall shut up and rolled his eyes. There was a lot of eye-rolling that day. Niall, of course, got a laughing fit, and Liam just looked confused, looking from Niall, to me, and back to Niall again. “Don’t mind him.” I told him. “He’s a little bit… special.” I smiled again and ruffled Niall’s hair, receiving a ‘fuck off’ from him. Laughing loudly I started eating. The boys got to know each other a bit, and as turned out, we get along really well. At the end of lunch they all exchanged phone numbers and we went to our own classes.

That afternoon Niall came back to mine again, to practice singing once more. It sounded perfect. I’m getting so nervous though, only a week left! Anyway, we played some games and Niall told me he and Damon were going to tell his parents and Damon’s parents together about them this evening. I told him not to worry because they loved him more than anything. He was still nervous though. I understood, and just tried to distract him, by tickling him. Of course, it worked. When he had to go home, he still had a smile on his face and told me that he would call me when they had told them. I wished him good luck and he went on his way.

That evening my parents didn’t come home before dinner, and I ordered a pizza. I waited for a call of Niall while watching Disney movies. What can I say, everybody loves Disney. I was so nervous for Niall, it wasn’t even funny. When my phone finally rang, I almost fell from the sofa. I quickly wiped my eyes and cleared my throat, to not let my voice sound as if I was crying. Disney films are emotional.

“Hi Niall, how did it go?” I asked in a worried tone. I always had that mothering instinct over my friends. There was a very short moment of silence and then Niall started to talk excitingly about how his parents weren’t even dazed, and they were a little surprised but didn’t mind, and they thought Damon was so cute. Then he started to tell that he had been so nervous to meet Damon’s adoptive parents, but they had been so nice and they hugged him and they accepted him and overall he was very happy. After an hour or something we hung up and I went to bed.

Yesterday I woke up, and there was still no sign of my parents. I had breakfast, grabbed my bag, and went to school. Halfway there, a car slowed down next to me and the window rolled down.

“Hey, you need a ride?” Harry asked. I was kinda startled by his presence, because I wasn’t really paying attention to my surroundings. “Ehm, that’d be nice.” I said, while getting in. Louis, who was sitting next to Harry, was singing along loudly to Barbie Girl, which, for some reason, was played on the radio. I laughed loudly when Harry also started to sing along. When Harry parked in the school’s driving lot, my mood darkened instantly. I don’t know what it is, but schools seem to have like this dark aura. Whenever you get there, your mood seems to darken.

When I got out of the car, I saw Niall standing together with Damon. Damon had his arm wrapped around Niall’s waist and they looked very happy. Some people looked at them strangely, but didn’t think twice about it. I saw Liam also getting out of his car, a few cars to the left, and walking towards Lou, Haz and I. “Hey” He said, as he came to a halt next to me. He saw me looking at something, and followed my gaze. When he saw what I was looking at, he pulled up an eyebrow. “They together now? Jeez, it’s like everyone is starting to embrace their inner gay or something.” I couldn’t help but let out a loud laugh at that, immediately slapping my hand across my mouth. Haz and Lou hadn’t heard, too busy in their own little world. Liam smiled at me. There were those butterflies dancing in my stomach, he had a nice smile. I shook my head to clear my thoughts, and walked towards Niall and Damon.

“Hi, I see you decided to just come out for everyone at once?” I smiled. While Damon just shrugged, Niall smiled a big smile, which made Damon suppress one. “He is too cute to keep hidden from everyone.” Damon said, while squeezing Niall a little bit tighter. Niall blushed and I heard some gargling sounds behind me. Lou and Haz were being very immature and were pulling disgusted faces while Liam shook his head and congratulated Damon and Ni.

The school day was so long, and it seemed like ages had passed before we finally had lunch. After Wednesday, it seems like we have silently agreed to lunch together. We just talked a little bit and Haz, Lou and Li were talking about a football match coming up. I just listened. Niall was too busy with Damon to notice. It seems like everyone just accepted them together, and it kind of gave me hope.

After another few hours of boringness, I finally got to go home. When I finished my homework, and I was wondering where my parents were the phone rang. “Hello, Zayn speaking, who is this?” I recited the line I always had to say when picking up the house phone. “Hello Zayn, can you check for me if my pair of red heels are still in my closet? Otherwise I might have lost them.” I heard my mum saying.

“Ehm, mum, where are you and Dad?” I asked, uncertain about what to say. “Oh, we are on a small holiday for a week or two.” She answered airily, as if it were normal to leave you child alone for two weeks without any form of notification. “I have to go now sweetie, have a nice week, bye.” She quickly said, and hung up. I went to sleep early that night, thinking about everything that had happened in the past two weeks.

Today started off weird. I was in a bad mood because I was angry with my parents. I did my normal morning routine, and when I walked to school Haz, once again, offered me a ride. Niall and Damon were kissing in front of the school and I have no idea why nobody was making grossed out faces yet. Maybe they didn’t care at all. I just walked straight past them after muttering a ‘thank you’ to Haz. I went straight to my locker, ignoring everything around me.

“Hey.” A soft voice on my right said. “Are you okay?” Liam continued asking. I sighed. “Just a shitty day.” I muttered. He nodded his head understandingly. “I was going to tell you that I have extra football practice this afternoon, so our tutoring session will be cancelled.” That also. What a great day. Note the sarcasm. “But we were planning on sleeping at Haz’s house, since his parents aren’t home.” I muttered a dark “Mine either.” Under my breath. “Do you want to come too?” It seemed like he hadn’t heard. The idea though lifted my mood a little bit. “Of course, that’d be nice. Can you give me his address?” So Liam gave me his address.

At the end of the school day I just walked home to grab my stuff. Liam told me to be there around seven, so I first did my homework. After I finished I drew a bit and played some games. Before I knew it, it was a quarter to seven and I was locking the door. I decided to take my diary this time, because I hadn’t written in it for so long. Harry’s house also wasn’t far away. He lived a little further away than Liam though. When I got to his house, I saw it was just as big as Liam’s, with a beautiful garden. I rang the doorbell and took a step back, out of habit. The door swung open to reveal a happy looking Harry.

“Hey Zayn! Come in.” He started to walk back to wherever he came from, leaving the door opened for me to get in. I slowly closed the door and pulled off my shoes. I hung my jacket on one of the hooks and looked around. It was certainly draw worthy. I walked into the direction where I heard voices coming from. When I walked into what seemed to be the living room, I saw Li, Haz, Lou and Ni eating pizza. I quickly sat down in front of the sofa, on the ground, and grabbed a piece of pizza too.

Lou’s eyebrow shot up. “Zayn, why are you sitting on the floor when there is plenty of room left on the couch?” I shrugged and swallowed my pizza first before answering. “Dunno, sits better I think.” Ni rolled his eyes. “He does that sometimes, it’s weird.” He stated, before grabbing another piece.

When we finished the pizza, we decided on watching a movie. After minutes of debating which one, they finally shoved in some horror movie. I got up and sat down on the sofa, next to Liam, because I know myself, and I know that I can’t handle horror movies. For the whole movie I was whimpering in Liam shoulder, pressed up against him. I heard yet another scream, and a lot of scary sound effects, and another whimper escaped my mouth as I buried my face even deeper in his shoulder. I felt Liam’s head move a bit and I heard him whisper.

“Are you okay?” he asked, concerned. After a few seconds of encouraging myself, I looked up at him, and opened my mouth to tell him that I was fine. Before I could even start another scream was heard, and I whimpered while burying my face in his shoulder again.

“Guys, Zayn and I are going to make some popcorn.” He said, but the others were so engrossed by the film that I wasn’t even sure if they heard it. He somehow coaxed my head off his shoulder and grabbed my hand to pull me towards the kitchen. Once there, he sat me down on the table.

“Now, are you okay?” he said, once again. I opened my mouth, once again, to tell him I was fine, but he threw me a ‘don’t-lie-to-me’ look. My shoulders slumped and I looked down to my feet. “I was a little scared by the film.” I told him softly. “And?” he asked. I sighed again. “I don’t know what you mean.” I told him.

“Come on Zayn, you have been a little bit down all day, what’s the matter?” he said. “Ugh, my parents decided to go on a fucking holiday without telling me so I am allowed to be a little sad, okay?” I told him, a little louder this time. He looked a bit taken aback, and then pulled me into a hug. “It’s gonna be alright.” He said. After a minute or something he pulled back and started making the popcorn. When we got back the film had ended.

“What took you so long?” Ni asked, with a glint in his eyes. I rolled my eyes. “Nothing special Niall.” I ran a hand through my hair. Harry had pushed the sofa to the side, making room for a few mattresses in the living room.

Out of nowhere Harry started to undress. “Harry, what are you doing?” I asked slowly, very confused. “Getting in my pj’s, what does it look like?” he answered. I bit back a sarcastic reply and saw that the others also did just that. I also changed into my pj’s, just a shirt and boxers, just like the rest. Except for Harry, he only wore boxers. We started to play spin the bottle. It was very weird, I had never done something like that before. When I told them that, they almost choked. “Never?” Harry and Louis had asked in chorus. I shook my head. “Take it easy on him boys.” Liam said. Most of the time it were dares like ‘Prank call someone and tell them this and that’. The first time the bottle pointed at me I went with question. “Little innocent Zaynie, are you still a virgin?” Harry asked. I grew a little red. “Ehm” I felt a bit uncomfortable. “Yeah.” I softly said. Harry turned towards Louis and smiled a creepy sort of smile. I don’t even want to know what they do when they are alone. I visibly shuddered. We played on for another hour or so, and then we fell asleep. At least, they did.

I grabbed my diary and started writing.

I think this ‘crush’ on Liam had turned to a little bit more than a crush. I have never felt this way before, and I know that sounds cliché, but I can’t help it. He looks so cute, and he is really nice to everyone, and now, while he is asleep, he looks so peaceful. I’m gonna stop writing now because my hand is starting to shake a bit from tiredness, and I can barely keep my eyes open.

Zayn


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm sorry it took so long, again. I hope you'll enjoy this.

Dear diary,

When I woke up yesterday, I had no clue where I was. Looking around me, I spotted three sleeping creatures and one guilty looking Harry. That was enough for me to wake up all at once. I stood up cautiously. “Harry.” I said slowly, hoping that whatever he had done wasn’t too bad. “What happened?” Harry looked up from where he was looking at the ground. He looked at me for a few seconds, and then he burst.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t really know what it was and I was curious! It was lying there and I thought that it was just a book or something!” I felt myself getting paler with every word. Oh no. I looked down to my pillow and saw the pen lying there, without my diary next to it. This couldn’t be happening. I shut my eyes and forced myself to calm down. Once I was a little bit calmer, I opened them again.

“How much have you read?” I asked slowly, trying to stay calm. “Not much, only half of the first page.” he was looking at the ground again. I knew what was on the first page, and why he had stopped halfway. I let myself fall down on the mattress again and buried my face in my pillow.

“Please let this be a dream, this can’t be happening, no.” I groaned. Then I lifted my head again, looking Harry in his eyes. “If you ever dare to tell a living soul about what’s on that page I will rip you apart, piece by piece.” I said. Harry looked scared, or more like frightened. He quickly nodded and I buried my head into my pillow again. I started mumbling again, and after a minute or two I heard shuffling and felt a hand on my shoulder.

“Zayn? If you ever need someone to talk to I’m here for you.” Harry whispered, sounding ashamed. I looked at him and saw that his eyes were red rimmed. “And I’m so sorry that I read it, I really didn’t mean to do it, and as soon as I realized that I shouldn’t I put it back in your bag.” A small tear escaped his eye, but he quickly wiped it away. I sighed, and flipped around.

“I understand, it’s just” I thought for a few seconds about what say. “complicated.” I sighed again. Harry nodded understandingly and then he stood up again, pulling me up with him. “How about making some breakfast?” he asked, still with a shaky voice. I smiled at him, to reassure him that we were fine. “Good idea.”

We started mixing some batter for waffles, and I discovered that Harry is a pretty good cook. He started making pancakes, waffles, toast and eggs all at once. “So, a smile that can make the North Pole melt?” I shot him a murderous look and he shut up. I heard some shuffling again in the living room and soon a sleepy looking Liam stepped into the kitchen. I couldn’t help looking at his legs, they were so muscled. I snapped out of it before Liam could see, but Harry shot me a wink.

“Good morning.” Liam said, and oh, his normal voice was sexy, but this. I heard Harry replying, and I quickly replied too. “What are you doing?” he asked, while I flipped my last pancake. “We’re making breakfast. We’re almost finished.” Harry answered, putting the last eggs on a plate. “Done!” I said, wiping my hands on a towel and looking around.

“I’ll just go wake up Lou then.” I continued. Confused, Harry furrowed his eyebrows. “What about Nia-” before he could finish the sentence Niall darted into the room. “I thought I could smell food.” He said, before actually seeing all the pancakes, waffles, eggs and toast. His eyes lit up when he saw them.

“That.” I replied, before walking into the living room. Louis was lying like a starfish, effectively covering up three of the five mattresses. I stood there, watching him for a few seconds, contemplating what I would do. I poked him with my foot, but he didn’t even react. I heard footsteps coming up behind me. Turning around, I saw Harry walking over to Louis and straddling him. He leaned down and gave Louis a peck on the lips. Louis stirred, but wasn’t really awake yet. Leaning down again, Harry gave him another peck, this one lasting a little longer. When Harry pulled back again, Louis’ eyes opened, and he followed Harry’s lips. Before I knew it, they were full on snogging.

Rolling my eyes, I walked into the kitchen again. Liam pulled up one eyebrow. “What’s happening over there?” I watched back over my shoulder, seeing nothing, but hearing a few giggles. “Harry’s attempt to wake Lou up resulted into a snogging session.” I rolled my eyes once again. “Huh?” Niall was looking from Liam, to me, and back again. I realized nobody had told him that Lou and Haz are dating. “They are dating.” I said, with a chuckle. How could we forget to tell that?

“Surprising.” Niall laughed. “Could’ve known.” Harry and Louis came in, both looking like they had made out, which, of course, they had. During breakfast Harry was shooting me all these looks and winks and I almost walked out of there.

We played video games the rest of the day, in which I lost, because I just can’t play video games. We lost track of time and decided to eat at Harry’s too. Of course, we ate pizza. I was dreading the time that I had to go home, I didn’t want to be alone now. When it was eight o’clock, Harry told us we had to go home, because his parents would be home at nine. I tried my best not to look a little sad, but it didn’t work that good.

When I stepped outside I let out a small sigh. I began walking in the opposite direction of my house, burying my hands in the pockets of my jacket. Slowly I walked towards the park, and sat down on the same bench as I had drawn a week or so ago. I admired the view for a minute or two, before taking out this diary. I didn’t have a sketchbook with me, so I flipped towards the last few pages and started drawing there. I didn’t have a pencil with me, so I used a pen. It was easier than I had imagined.

When I looked at the time on my phone I saw it was midnight already. I quickly packed up my stuff and hurriedly walked home. I didn’t see anyone on the streets, but that wasn’t surprising. It was, after all, midnight.

When I was inside I found that I wasn’t tired at all. I went up to my room and got out all of my art supplies. I grabbed the drawing of Liam that we have to make for art class. We’ve already had four of the five lessons to finish it. I stared at Liam so much that I could draw every little detail without him there. That’s quite embarrassing, isn’t it? Anyway, the drawing turned out to be pretty good. I’m actually pretty proud of it.

Looking outside, I noticed the sun was already starting to appear again. I looked at the clock with a frown, was it really that late? Yes, it was, it was a little past six already. Still, I wasn’t tired.

I started a new painting, taking the rising sun as subject. This painting wasn’t detailed, it was more a messy collection of colours in the right spot, forming a beautiful picture. When I finished it in less than half an hour, I starting looking for a new thing to paint or draw. Finding nothing nice to draw in my house, I darted off outside. I had been walking around for a while, without a destination, when I found myself in the woods, on a perfect spot.

For most people it looked like just another spot of green in the endless sea of trees, but for me it was so much more. Comes with the mind of an artist, I guess. It was a small clearing, where the grass was long, it reached my knees, and small drops of water let it shine in the early morning sun. The small tree in the foreground had pink blossom, which was starting to fall off, giving the ground around it a light pink colour. The sky was blue, and the sun gave exactly the right lighting.

I sat down on the ground, pulled out my pencils and sketchbook and started drawing. I sat there for eight hours, just drawing, sketching the lines, perfecting the shapes and finding exactly the right colour, making sure the shine of the sun was visible on the leaves. When I finished, it was already three o’clock.

I packed up again and made my way home. The moment I saw the driveway, I noticed Liam’s car standing there. I started walking just a little bit faster. When I reached it, I ducked to look through the window. Liam was sitting there, reading a book, and didn’t even notice me. I quickly knocked on the window. He looked up, gave me a smile and a small wave, and put the book on the seat next to his. He got out of the car, and walked towards me, since I walked towards the door already.

“Hi, what are you doing here? Have you been waiting long?” I asked him.

“I thought that it would be nice to stop by, since your parents aren’t home and everything. I haven’t been waiting for very long, maybe half an hour.” He said, walking in after me and toeing his shoes off. “So, where were you?”

I smiled. He had remembered that my parents weren’t home and he came to visit me because he didn’t want me to feel lonely. He even waited half an hour. “I was in the woods.” I waved my hand in the general direction. He pulled up an eyebrow.

“The woods? What were you doing there? That’s pretty far away.” We’d slowly made our way to the kitchen, and I gave him a glass of water before answering his questions.

“I was drawing there, and it isn’t that far away, only a few kilometers.” I shrugged.

“Can I see?” he said, looking excited. With a soft chuckle I dug up my sketchbook out of my bag and flipped towards the right page. He looked at it for a while, letting his fingers run over the lines.

“Feel special, you’re the only person who ever sees my art.” I said with a small laugh, making him look up at me.

“You are very talented Zee, really. More people should see this.” he said in a soft tone, looking back at the drawing again. I simply shrugged.

“If they asked, I would show them. But that’s the thing, nobody is really interested in my art, so they don’t see. And I don’t think they have to see, because it’s just a hobby of mine, a way to calm me down. So I do it for myself, not for someone else.” I stated simply, carefully plucking my sketchbook out of Liam’s hands again and putting it in my bag.

Liam laughed quietly. “I wish I could draw like that.” He said, shaking his head. It did something to me, hearing someone else wishing he’d be able to do something. It’s like diving into my world of insecurities. Wishing I could be that good at football, wishing I could get better grades, wishing I’d be good enough for my parents for once.

“You’re perfect the way you are.” I mumbled softly, not even sure if he was able to hear. He didn’t say anything, but he ducked his head with a small smile. I think he heard.

We just sat in silence for the rest of the afternoon, sometimes talking for a bit, then turning back to our own thoughts. I showed him the finished portrait for art, and he groaned and covered his face with his hands.

“Mine is going to look like shit next to yours.” He had said. “Why did I partner up with the most talented boy in class.” He groaned again, but with a hint of laughter in his voice this time. I just told him it was going to be just fine.

Liam had to be home at six, so he left with a ‘see you tomorrow’. I made spaghetti and ate it in silence, staring at my new painting, which I had put on the wall. My walls were almost full, only a few spaces left, and then I would have to think of a different place. Only the paintings hung on the wall, and two or three of the best drawings I had ever made, which just had to be seen. The rest of my drawings were still in all of the full sketchbooks, and the ones that are still in use.

After that I was really too tired to do anything else, although it was only a little past seven. I had, after all, skipped a night of sleep. So I grabbed my diary, and started writing.

I’m really nervous for Friday, because then is the talent show. What if it goes wrong? Why did I even sign up for this? Stupid Niall with his stupid boyfriend.

I’m really going to sleep now, because I’m close to just passing out now.

Zayn  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it okay? If you have the time and if you want to, of course, could you leave a comment to tell me if you like the story so far? It would make my day.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter this weekend. Enjoy!

Dear diary,

Sunday night I had a nightmare. It had been a while since I had one. This one was about Harry telling the whole school about my crush on Liam. When I finally had some sort of control over my breath again, I looked at the clock. It was six am, which made me decide to just get up already.

Finally it was time to go to school. I grabbed my headphones and put them on, closing the door behind me while softly singing along with Stereo Hearts. Only three days left. I saw Harry’s car coming my way, and I smiled when he slowed down next to me.

“Get in!” Harry yelled over the music, which was very loud for this time of the day. Lou and Haz were both singing along enthusiastically, which made me remember that they are going to sing this Friday too. I was curious what they are going to sing, still am, but didn’t ask.

When we got out of the car, Liam, Niall and Damon were already waiting for us in front of the school. Talking about our weekends and laughing loudly, we walked toward our lockers.

When the bell rung, we parted ways, I had class with Liam and Harry and Niall had class with Louis, which left Damon to go on his own. This resulted in a very fake, very dramatic goodbye between Harry and Louis, which made quite some people stop and look what was happening. Laughing, Liam dragged Harry along with us, who was still screaming dramatically.

How did I become friends with these people?

During lunch some boy from the football team made a comment about Niall and Damon, calling them fags. Damon almost punched him, but Niall held him back. I saw the hurt in their eyes, but I didn’t know what to do.

Apparently, I didn’t have to. At least, not yet.

Harry looked at Louis for a second or two, and he saw what he was looking for. Then, shocking me, and probably the rest of the school, Harry leaned in and kissed Louis. He kissed Louis, while everybody’s attention was on them. I heard gasps all around, and the boy who made the comment made a disgusted noise.

“That’s just wrong.” He said loudly, and I saw some people nodding along. Harry and Louis broke apart and stared at him, just like Niall and Damon, not knowing what to say. I groaned quietly, and muttered under my breath.

“These idiots can’t do anything themselves.”

I stood up and cleared my throat, effectively turning everyone’s attention to me. I instantly got nervous, I can’t stand being the point of attention. I saw some people raising eyebrows, some looking curious and some just looked at me with a blank stare.

“You know what’s wrong?” I said, louder than I had expected, while pointing at him. “Being so narrow-minded that you can’t even let two people, who have nothing to do with you, be together. And then, as if that isn’t enough, insulting them for it. It’s just something like having blue eyes, or brown hair. They don’t choose to like another boy, they just do. Do you choose who you like? No, and that’s just the same with them. So I would appreciate it if you would keep your opinion to yourself and would mind your own fucking business.” I finished, leaving the other boy speechless. I don’t think anybody there had heard me talk like that before.

I nervously looked around, nobody had said anything, made any sound. It had never been so quiet there before. And then, one, two, three people started clapping, and before I knew it, almost everybody there was applauding. They were applauding me.

The boy who made the comment now looked flustered and started walking away. I sat down again, and all the boys looked at me.

“What?” I asked, slowly. Suddenly I was surrounded by five other bodies, giving me a tight hug.

“Thank you.” Harry said. “For doing that, I really didn’t know what to say and you saved the day.” He grinned cheekily. “And we got to come out, all at once!”

I smiled at them. “No problem. He was a twat.” We burst out laughing, and Liam turned towards me. He looked at me with a sense of pride in his eyes. It made me happy.

The rest of the day, when I walked through the hallways, or sat in the lesson, people were looking at me. Most looked at me in a good way, but I still didn’t like the attention.

When we were finally at my house that afternoon, I walked straight to my room and let myself fall on my bed. When I looked up after half a minute, Liam was watching me while he was leaning against the doorpost. He smiled when we made eye contact.

“That was quite some speech you gave during lunch.” He said, and I let my head fall again.

“Now everybody is staring at me in the hallways and in class.” I said, but it was muffled by my pillow. “I don’t like it. I like being a wallflower more.” I told him, lifting my head again.

He simply shrugged. “Still, it was something. I mean, you spoke in front of almost the whole school. You were defending us.” I smiled lightly at that.

“He was also insulting me, Li, he just didn’t know that.” And he let out a laugh at that. He walked over and fell down next to me on the bed.

“Not up for math?” he asked, and I groaned loudly. “I’ll take that as a no.” he laughed.

We watched some movie, but when it was almost finished, he attacked me and we play wrestled for a while. He won, but that’s pretty obvious.

I was laying there out of breath, laughing, with Liam on top of me, also out of breath and laughing, pinning my wrists down. Suddenly I had the urge to kiss him. My laugh cut off abruptly. Liam noticed it and also stopped laughing. He looked at me curiously, while I just studied his face from up close.

I don’t know how long we laid there, studying each other. I only know that I didn’t want that moment to end, and apparently, Liam also didn’t want that. But all good moments have to sometime.

So when the doorbell rung, Liam quickly crawled off of me, and I don’t know what all of that had meant. Why did he stay there for that long? Maybe he feels the same? Deep down, I hope so, of course, but I don’t think he does.

Sighing, I fixed my hair and shirt quickly and opened the door. A grinning Niall stood there on my doorstep.

“Took you long enough. You busy? I thought that maybe we could rehearse for a bit.” he rambled, while already walking past me and toeing his shoes of.

“Actually, Liam is here, so yes, I am busy, and we can’t really rehearse.” I said, making Niall stop, and turning around with a grin on his face. “No, Niall, you dirty minded twat. On Mondays he tutors me, remember?” He was still grinning when he turned around and walked into the living room. Liam sat on the couch, and looked up when we walked in.

“Hello Niall! Didn’t know you were coming.” He said, and looked at me in a questionable way. I rolled my eyes.

“Me neither.” I said.

“I actually came here to practice for Friday, but since you are here, we can also do something else.” Niall said, putting his guitar case on the ground next to the couch and sitting down.

“I can always leave, if you want me to, but I can also just listen?” Liam said, but it came out like a question. I was about to object, but then he pulled the puppy eyes, and damn, they were cute. So I just groaned.

“No, then it isn’t a surprise anymore Friday!” I said, with my eyes tightly shut. I wasn’t going to give in this time. After a few seconds of silence, I hesitantly opened one eye, to see Liam with a pouty face. I chuckled while opening my other eye.

“You’ll hear Friday.” I said, while tapping his nose. He swatted my hand away, but laughed nevertheless.

We played some video games, and made fun of each other. When they were gone, I still had a silly grin on my face, replaying the play wrestling in my head.

It stayed in my head till I went to sleep.

This morning, when I got to school, people still looked at me.  I sighed, fixed my hair again, and made my way to class, where I met Lou, Haz and Li.

It was art, and today was the day that we had to show our portraits. Liam’s drawing of me actually turned out pretty well, but it wasn’t a masterpiece. When the teacher came around to see ours, she first went up to Liam, and looked at his. I didn’t hear it, but he looked pretty happy when she walked around the table to see mine.

“Wow. You made this?” she said, maybe a little loudly, because other students were looking up and trying to see what was happening. She studied it closely and looked at the resemblance.

“I can’t find a flaw! How did you do this?” she still talked loudly, and it was attracting more and more attention. My cheeks turned a light pink.

“Uh, I don’t know, I just did, I guess.” I rubbed the nape of my neck. She nodded approvingly.

“You can come far, mister Malik, if you want to. I never had a student do this before.” She said, made a note on her paper, and walked off to the next table. Immediately after she walked away Harry and Louis were behind me.

“Jesus fucking Christ.” Louis said, loud enough to get a disapproving look from our teacher, but he paid it no mind. “How the fuck did you do this.” Harry nodded along with his words.

“You should see his room, the walls are filled with his paintings, and he has drawers filled with sketches and drawings.” Liam butted in, before I could say anything.

“It’s just a hobby.” I mumbled. “If I would make it my job I wouldn’t have any hobbies and it wouldn’t be fun anymore. Too much pressure.” Liam, Louis and Harry all seemed to agree with me.

“You’re right. You’re always right.” Louis joked.

The rest of the day flew past, and before I knew it I was at home with Niall, singing my stress out. After an hour or so more, Niall put away his guitar.

“I think” he said, with a smile making its way on his face. ”that we’re gonna smash it Friday.” And I couldn’t help but smile at his words.

Whatever is going to happen, at least we’ll have fun.

So I held on to that thought for the rest of the night, and I’m still happy now. No need to be nervous, it’s gonna be alright.

If only my parents would be there, would be proud of me. But maybe this is for the best, because my dad would probably make some comment about how singing and drawing is for pussies, and how I should try out for the football team.

Zayn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god I'm so sorry that it took so long, I'm the worst writer ever.  
> Here is a new chapter, enjoy

Dear diary,

It’s already Thursday again, and I’m unbelievably nervous for tomorrow.

Wednesday morning, when I arrived at school, people were still looking at me. I grabbed a few books out of my locker, and slammed it shut.

When I turned around, Liam was leaning against the locker next to mine. Putting my hand over my heart, I blew out a breath I had unconsciously sucked in. “Jesus Li, gonna give me heart attack someday.” I told him, but my smile was probably way to fond to look as if I was irritated.

“Good morning to you too.” Liam said, giving me an adorable look. I rolled my eyes.

“Good morning Mister Payne, how are you on this fine day?” I said, with as much sarcasm as I could muster. He punched me lightly in the shoulder. I rubbed my arm with a pouty face, making him laugh.

“Come on Zee, don’t wanna be late for class.” He said, and turned around to walk away. I almost missed his words, staring at his mouth. I was thinking about the many things that mouth could do, and I really shouldn’t do that in school. I snapped out of it and followed him towards advanced English.

Of course, we were ten minutes too early, and the only students yet. When we sat down I fished my sketchpad out of my bag. I flipped to the pages until I found my latest drawing, now still a rough sketch, but starting to look good. Liam looked over my shoulder.

“Is that an eye?” he asked, which was completely unnecessary, seeing that there was a giant fucking eye covering the whole page.

“No Li, it’s a fucking my little pony.” I told him, grabbing my pencil and starting to draw. He huffed out a breath and crossed his arms, sitting back in his chair.

“Well, that’s a strange pony.” He said, and I couldn’t help it. I burst into laughter, while it wasn’t even that funny. Soon enough I started to draw again, and other students started to arrive. Too soon, the bell rung and I really had to put away my sketchpad. I didn’t. I really wanted to draw, and didn’t feel like paying attention, so I didn’t.

The lesson went by way faster than normal. Could’ve been because I did something I liked, but that’s not the point.

During lunch Liam and I were surrounded by two couples who have never heard of privacy or too much PDA. So they were constantly making out, cuddling or feeding each other. I felt more than a little uncomfortable with the entire student body staring us, so after a while I asked Liam if he wanted to get out of there. I’ve never heard a more relieved ‘Oh God, please’ in my life. 

So Liam and I sat down somewhere outside, on a bench. It wasn’t really cold, and the leaves were the slightest tint of orange and red. It was beautiful there. We just talked a bit about school, the teachers, the talent show, that kinda thing.

Too soon, lunch was over and classes started again, meaning that Liam and I had to part ways. The rest of my classes were so boring, I’m not even going to write it down.

That afternoon Ni and I practiced again, and it was as perfect as it’s gonna get. We just practicing a little more, and then slowly started to get off topic, singing all random songs Ni could play on the guitar. After a while we went upstairs to my room, and I opened my closet to reveal my secret door.

Yes, I have a secret door in my closet, leading to a secret room. Only Niall knew of it, not even my parents. Maybe Liam in the future. Anyway, the room is simple and small, with the walls painted a creamy colour and a piano in one of the corners. It was already there when I first discovered the room. My favourite thing in the room is my window seat, with pillows to lean against. The wall where the door was, is one big book case, filled with all my favourite books.

It’s unbelievable that my parents don’t know about this. Then again, if they knew, I would’ve never gotten that room.

We sung further in that room, me playing the piano, until the only light left was from the stars. Around ten we started to get really hungry, so we went downstairs to make something. When I had searched all the cupboards and there was almost nothing there, I concluded that I really needed to go shopping. We ended up ordering pizza, and watched some shitty movie.

Niall stayed the night, of course. Which is very nice, until you have to wake him up in the morning. I know I’m not exactly rainbows and sunshine when it’s early, but always having to take care for yourself because your parents don’t give a fuck pays off at such moments.

So this morning I kind of just threw a bucket full of icy water on top of Niall. Needless to say, he wasn’t amused.

“What the fuck Zee!” he all but screeched. I had already made my way out of there, because I knew Niall better than anyone else, and that side of him isn’t very pretty. I quickly started making breakfast, because Niall would probably still be grumpy, but with a plate in front of him he wouldn’t go for the kill first.

When I heard Niall stomping down the stairs I quickly sat down and pulled an innocent face. He rounded the corner with a murderous expression.

“Zayn, you have three seconds to run, because I’m gonna rip your fucking head off and show it up your-” he paused for a second when he saw the eggs and bacon. “-Okay maybe we can wait till after breakfast.” He finished, and sat down to eat. I smiled at him.

“Love you too Ni.” I told him. He shot me a warning look.

“Don’t push your luck.” he muttered, but some sort of smile started to shine through. Happy with the accomplishment, I ate my eggs and stood up.

“Come on, we’re gonna be late.” I said, and hurriedly pulled on my shoes and jacket, Niall following soon after. He groaned when we started walking.

“Can’t believe you don’t have a car, your parents are filthy rich.” He kicked a stone aside. I let out a sharp laugh.

“Niall, they don’t give a shit about me, do you honestly think that they would buy me a car?” The laugh that came next sounded so bitter, it didn’t even sound like me. Niall looked at me worriedly. He was about to say something, when I started talking again. “And besides, I drive with Haz almost every morning, so I can’t complain.” My voice sinking back in its normal tone, and Niall dropped it.

We walked in silence for a minute or so, until a car slowed down next to us. Harry was only halfway finished opening the window to tell me to get in when Niall slammed the door behind him.

“Good morning!” Louis said cheerily. Niall totally ignored him and slumped down in his seat with a yawn.

“Well someone is grumpy.” Louis said, while looking at Niall with an amused expression. I tried to cut off the laugh that bubbled up, but it was to no avail. Niall shot me a murderous look, and I had to bite my hand to keep myself from laughing louder.

“Try getting woken up by Zee.” He said, still glaring at me. Louis raised an eyebrow, and I muffled some more laughter.

“Bucket of ice water” I told him in a way of explanation. Louis’ eyebrows shot up, and then he was laughing with me. Niall was even more annoyed than before, and ignored us completely.

“Try getting him up, you should fear for your life.” I laughed. When Harry stopped the car at school, Niall shot out of it and walked over to Demon, ignoring his questioning expression and kissing him with force. When he pulled back, Damon looked pretty dazed. I started laughing again, and Louis and Harry joined in.

“What are you laughing at?” a new voice sounded from behind us. I’d recognize that voice everywhere. I turned around and saw Liam standing there, looking at us with an amused expression.

“Niall.” I answered. “He’s pretty pissed, woke him up with a bucket of water.” I finally had my breath under control again, and stood up straight. Niall was still glaring at us. At least, he was trying to, but it looked more like fondness.

Shaking my head, I walked into the school, towards my locker. Liam followed me and opened his own.

“So, are you nervous for tomorrow?” he asked me, while trying not to let all his books fall.

“God, yes.” I answered. “You can’t even begin to imagine how I feel now.” I sighed, and ran a hand through my hair. “You?”

“I’m also nervous, but it’ll be alright.” Liam told me. “We just, you know, miss something in the sound. Like, we sound great together, but I have the feeling we could do better if we would have another voice, or something.” He groaned. “Sorry, I’m not making sense, ignore me.” I chuckled softly.

“Nah, I understand.” I threw my bag over my shoulder and walked off to my lesson.

In the break I found everyone sitting quietly at a table. Something wasn’t right. Niall was sitting with his back towards Damon, while Damon was trying to get him to turn around.

I sat down next to Liam and leaned towards him.

“What happened?” I whispered, still looking at Damon and Niall. Liam just rolled his eyes.

“Niall went to stand with him and his football mates, but Damon didn’t want to put his arm around him.” I swear to god, my friends are worse than teenage girls.

“Niall!” I said, breaking the tense silence, and making Niall whip his head around to see me.

“Don’t be a fucking teenage girl mate, no offence, but you’re really acting like one.” Niall’s eyebrows rose and a little smirk developed on his face.

“Oh, so I’m a teenage girl now, and you’re not? Cause I don’t know if you’ve heard yourself but with your little crush,” he put air quotes around little crush “you’re pretty bad yourself.”

I decided around that moment that I hated him. Everyone turned towards me with curious expressions, except for Niall, who looked smug, and Harry, who looked like he didn’t know how to react. I just felt myself blushing.

“Niall, I’m gonna kill you.” I groaned, letting my head fall on my arms. It was completely silent for five seconds, and I was holding my breath, waiting for them to explode. Surprisingly, the first thing that happened was Damon telling me that it was none of his business, and that he wasn’t going to get involved. Then he went back to trying to coax Niall into talking to him.

Then Louis started rambling.

“Who is she, is it that girl from chemistry, with the blonde hair, what’s she called? Perrie or something? No, I don’t think so, not really your type. Maybe the girl with brown hair, her name started with a J, I think. Or-”

“Louis shut up.” I told him, and promptly stood up, almost making the chair fall down, and walked away. I still can’t believe Niall did that, how could he?

Fuming, I walked outside, and kept walking. I heard the bell ring when I was only a few steps away, but paid it no mind. I went home, and only when I closed the door behind me, I allowed myself to think about it.  

I turned around, and let my back slowly slide down the door, until I was in a sitting position. I pulled my knees up, and stared at the wall in front of me. What if Liam knew now? He’ll hate me forever, I’ll ruin our friendship.

I forced myself to calm down, and do something to keep busy. I ended up drawing. Surprise there. I also ended up drawing Liam. Another surprise.

When it was five, I had already went grocery shopping, I had drawn a cartoon version of Liam, and then I started a realistic portrait of him. The doorbell rung, and I went to answer it.

When I opened the door, a very guilty looking Niall stood there.

“Oh, it’s you.” I said, my voice cold as ice. Niall looked me in my eyes, and sighed.

“I’m so, so sorry. I was mad at Damon and I reacted badly. I shouldn’t have said that.” He apologized. Maybe it was the sincere tone in his voice, or the guilty look, but I felt myself soften.

“Come ‘ere.” I pulled him into a hug, which he happily accepted. “I shouldn’t have said that. And I overreacted a bit.” I chuckled. I can never stay mad at Niall.

After that we rehearsed the song again, and when we went to my secret room, Niall pretended that he didn’t see the drawings of Liam. When he went home, it was only eight, but I was so tired that I decided to just go to bed already.

I think we’re, indeed, worse than a bunch teenage girls. And I’m nervous for tomorrow. Fuck, the talent show is tomorrow. I forgot for a second. Shit.

Zayn


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the talent show! Enjoy!

Dear Diary,

Today, when I woke up, I almost had a panic attack because _the talent show is this night fuck._ I managed to calm myself down and get ready for school without breaking anything.

I went to school early, to avoid panic attacks, and because of that harry wasn’t there to pick me up. The weather wasn’t bad. It was starting to get colder, but there wasn’t any rain today. I buried my hands in the pockets of my coat and I kept walking. ‘I Gotta Feeling’ was playing in my head over and over again, until I was absolutely sure that I knew every word. Not that I didn’t know it before, but I was so nervous, the only thing that kept me from losing my mind were the words in my head playing over and over again and the steady pace in which my feet were drumming onto the ground.

When I reached school, it had started to rain lightly. I hastily pulled open the door and stepped inside. When I looked around me, I noticed that everywhere were posters about the talent show. The only thing that I could think was _Shitshitshit why did I do this._ I never felt more scared in my life. I don’t think it is, like, healthy to have such problems with just standing and singing in front of a few people.

By the time that the rest arrived, I was about ready to go home and hide. Niall only needed one look, and then he threw his arms around me and hugged me, murmuring about how it was gonna be okay, and that I could do this. When he let me go, I already felt a bit better. Niall’s hugs do that to people. The rest was looking at me worriedly too, but decided that it was okay when I smiled at them.

If you’d ask me what we did today at school, the only thing I’d be able to say was that everyone was talking about the talent show. None of my classes made sense anymore, and the teachers weren’t even trying anymore when the last period started. Everyone was too excited for tonight.

When school ended, I was about ready to ask Niall to kill me already. When I did just that, Niall swatted at me and told me that we were going to my house and rehearse a last time.

“Then we’ll just do whatever, okay? Get your mind off of the show.” He said, and then we went home.  

When we got there, we first took something to eat and drink, and then we went to my music room. That’s how I call my secret room now.

I sang my heart out. The show didn’t exist for a moment, and the only things in the world were Niall, the guitar and I, making music. I don’t know what happened, but when the first chords were heard, all the nerves were gone. I came back when Niall said something about this rehearsal being the best one yet, and that I shouldn’t worry so much about this evening, because we sounded amazing.

After that, we called Harry, Louis and Liam over. This didn’t go without Niall teasing me about Liam, and telling me that I should make a move on him. I only sighed and hoped that they would arrive soon.

When they arrived, I noticed that Harry also looked slightly more nervous than the rest of them. We ate pizza together, and watched shitty reality shows until it was six o’clock. Then we went to school.

By the time Harry parked his car in the school’s parking lot, I was shaking with nerves. The actual show would start at seven, but we had to be early, so we knew when it was our turn.

When we were standing backstage, I was shaking so badly that I needed to sit down. Niall grabbed me some water and kept making soothing sounds. The other boys were just watching me worriedly.

Niall and I got to hear that we went on as the very last act, at nine o’clock, which meant that we would have to sit through all the other acts first. I didn’t mind, because I could see our competition first. Harry, Louis and Liam were to be on stage at around half past eight.

When it was a quarter to seven, all the other acts were backstage. I recognised a few people, but not too many.

Just before the show would start, Liam pulled me aside.

“I just wanted to wish you good luck. I know that you can do this.” He told me with a big smile.

“Good luck to you too.” I said. “And how do you know? You’ve never heard me sing.” I teased.

“I just know.” He smiled.

Then the lights started to dim in the theatre, and we quickly made our way to the seats Niall had reserved for us.

The show started off by an introduction, given by one of the popular guys. He was babbling about that the person who would win would win a sum of money, and that there were a lot of acts.

First on stage, he welcomed a girl and a boy who were going to sing a duet. It wasn’t that bad, but she ruined the high note. After that, there was some kid playing the piano, and he was very good.

A lot of acts came and went, and then it was the break. My whole body was shaking with nerves, because our turn was coming closer and closer. I excused myself and went outside for a moment. I sat down on one of the benches. The fresh air helped, but I still wasn’t ready to go inside again. I heard someone present the next act, but I didn’t feel like going in again. Not yet.

After a while, I heard a door open and close, and a body sat down next to me. We sat in silence for a minute or two, before the person spoke up.

“You should really go inside again, it’s cold out here.” I heard Liam’s voice. “And you’re missing these acts.”

I sighed. “I know Li, I- I’m just nervous. Need to clear my head.” I mumbled. I turned my head to look at him.

We stared at each other for a while, just watching. Then Liam got up.

“C’mon, let’s go inside. I’m almost on.” He said.

Sighing, I followed him inside and went to sit next to Niall, while he went backstage. I mumbled a quick greeting and sat down, just catching how the act before Liam, Harry and Louis was introduced.

By the time it was their turn, I noticed that I was almost as nervous for them as I was for myself. They walked on stage, and a round of applause went through the audience. They stood behind their microphones, Liam in the middle. The noise in the audience died down to a quiet murmur, and Liam cleared his throat.

“Hello everybody.” He waited for a pause to look at something backstage. I think it was to see if the sound was ready. “We are Harry,” Harry did a little wave. “Liam,” A pointed at himself. “And Louis.” Louis waved too. “And we are going to sing ‘Nobody Knows’ by Pink.”

In the background music started to play. I could only focus on Liam, he looked stunning in that light. Oh, who am I kidding, he always looks stunning.

His voice shook me out of my thoughts. It was amazing, and it sounded so pure. I almost had to cry because, damn, his voice hit me hard. When the song ended, everyone applauded so hard, I was afraid I would go deaf. But the smile on Liam’s face made me forget about that. He was shining like a fucking star, no, brighter than a star.

And then, Niall and I were ushered backstage, and they gave us a microphone, and they told us to wait for our names to be called.

When our names were called by the presenter, I thought that I was going to be sick. There was a small applause. I walked on stage, and looked at Niall, who sat down on a chair with his guitar. He strummed it a few times to make sure that the sound was okay, and then he pulled the microphone to the right height.

“Hi everyone!” he said cheerily. “We are going to sing ‘I Gotta Feeling’ and ‘Stereo Hearts’. Enjoy!”

Then he started playing the guitar. I counted the beats in my head until I needed to start. Thirty beats in total. I took a deep breath. Twenty five. Another deep breath. Twenty eight. _Here goes nothing._

“I gotta feeling.” I sung, and suddenly all nerves were gone. A smile appeared on my face. “That tonight’s gonna be a good night.” I kept singing. And looked into the audience. I didn’t see much, because of the lighting, but I knew where the others were sitting.

Before I knew it, it was Niall’s part, and I only had to do the backing vocals.

And as soon as it came, it was over, and we were ushered off the stage, with applauding in the background. Okay, so it wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be. It was really nice actually.

Liam was walking towards me, but before he could reach me, the presenter was calling the potential winners on stage. I was listening carefully if our names were there.

“And Liam, Harry and Louis!” a voice called, and there was a big applause. “And the last names are Zayn and Niall.” Niall cheered and we walked up the stage again.

“But, of course, there can only be one winner.” The presenter said, drawing out the process of announcing the winner as much as possible. “And that winner is, or rather, these winners are, give a big applause ladies and gentleman,” Everyone was holding their breaths. “Harry, Liam and Louis!”

Everyone burst into applause, and even though it wasn’t my name being called, I was still happy for them. Then we were backstage again, and Liam, Harry and Louis were cheering, and Niall and I joined in too.

After the buzz from being on stage died down a bit, I went outside again. Something about being on my own, outside, is so calming.

After a while, Liam came outside too. It didn’t bother me, because Liam was Liam, and I can also be quiet outside with him next to me. He sat down next to me again, and I had a feeling of déjà vu.

This time though, I wasn’t shaking with nerves, and we were quiet for longer before one of us decided to speak up.

“Congratulations.” I smiled. “You deserved it.”

Liam shrugged. “Thanks, but you were way better.” He smiled. “Your voice is beautiful, why don’t you let anyone hear it? I mean, aside from this obviously.”

I shrugged again, not because I didn’t want to answer, but simply because I didn’t know how to answer with only words.

“Hey Zayn?” I looked at him. He was looking at me with a nervous expression. “Do you- Just a question, are you- I mean, it’s just- Do you ever feel insecure?” Liam bit his lip, as if that wasn’t meant to come out that way.

“I mean, like, you don’t have to answer the question if you don’t want to, it’s just that you never sung in front of anybody, and I just wondered if-” Liam rambled, probably afraid that he had offended me or something.

“Of course Li.” I cut him off. “A lot.” I said quietly. Liam looked at me for a few seconds.

“But why? I mean, in my eyes you are absolutely perfect.” He mumbled, and then he let his eyes fall to the ground, a light blush covering his cheeks.

He had just told me that I was perfect. Liam had just told me that I was perfect. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. How did he mean this?

“Li, wait, what are you saying, I don’t under-” I began to ask, but before I could finish my sentence, Liam’s lips collided with mine.

And _fuck_ I didn’t’ expect that. I couldn’t believe what was happening, and froze for a moment too long. Liam quickly pulled away and looked at me with a panicked expression.

“Fuck, I’ll just- I’ll just go.” He said, and hastily stood up and turned around to walk towards the door. I quickly stood up too and grabbed his arm to turn him around.

“Zee, I know that-” He started to say, but this time I was the one cutting him off. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and pulled him towards me. Our lips collided again, but this time, we were both moving our mouths in sync, and it was heavenly. His arms wrapped around my waist, and I absolutely loved it. I had never kissed a guy before, and it was amazing. It was everything I had imagined and more.

When we broke apart, I didn’t know what to do or say. My head was still very close to his.

“Wow.” I breathed out, and Liam gave a small nod.

“Wow indeed.” He smiled. Then his expression became serious. “Do you want to go on a date with me?” he bit his lip.

I smiled at him, my arms still around his neck. “Of course, Li.” And then I dove in for a kiss again.

However, after a few seconds a few people began cat-calling. I broke apart from Liam, and rested my forehead against his for a second or two, and then let go of him. I turned around to flip the boys off.

“It was about time!” Niall called, and then laughed loudly. Harry laughed with Niall, but Louis looked confused.

“Wait, you knew? Why didn’t I know this?” They kept play-fighting for a while.

Liam dropped me off at home again. We kissed for a while, in front of the house, as a goodbye, and made plans for a date tomorrow. I can’t wait.

This was officially the best day of my life.

Zayn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there it is, the Ziam kiss! Don't worry, this isn't the end of the fic, there's more about to come.


	10. Chapter 10

Dear diary,

When I woke up this morning, it took me a few seconds to remember what had happened yesterday. When I remembered though, a huge smile took over my face. I had kissed Liam. I was going on a date with Liam.

I jumped out of bed, suddenly eager to start the day. After I had showered, I noticed that it was already one o’clock, and Liam had told me he’d pick me up at two. I quickly ate breakfast, or lunch, I don’t know, and went upstairs to choose what to wear. I thought that that would be easy. I turned out to be wrong.

I had only just chosen what to wear, a plaid shirt with tight black jeans, when the doorbell rang. I rushed downstairs to open the door. Liam was standing there, and of course he looked stunning. I pulled him in for a kiss, which he happily leaned into.

I felt so happy to be finally able to do that, that I had to break the kiss because I was smiling. He smiled too. He looked so happy, and I just couldn’t comprehend that he was so happy because of me.

“Hey.” I said, and you could just hear that I was smiling.

“Hey.” Liam said, then gave me an once-over. “You look amazing.”

My cheeks painted red, and I looked down for a second. “You too.” I said, suddenly shy. He smiled and offered me his arm.

After I had locked the door behind me, we happily went on our way. He opened my car door for me, like a true gentleman, and then got in the car himself.

“So, where are we going?” I asked, hoping that he would tell me. No such luck.

“It’s a surprise.” He smiled, and then turned up the radio. Give me love by Ed Sheeran played, and Liam started singing along enthusiastically, making me watch him. When the second verse started, I started singing along too. A smile appeared on his face when he noticed.

I looked at the surroundings, seeing if I recognized anything. After about half an hour, we stopped outside of what seemed to be a theatre. I was confused, why were we there?

Liam bought us tickets to a concert. When he told me that, I almost choked.

“Seriously?” when he nodded, I hugged him, and then kissed him. “Thank you.” I said.

The doors had just opened when we got out of the car, so we could just walk in. I was bouncing with energy. When I was little, I used to imagine myself becoming a famous singer. I would sing my favourite songs at the top of my lungs, no matter what time it was. As I grew older though, I became shy, and finally saw that it was near to impossible to become that big in the world. I still love concerts though, because they make you feel as if you’re part of it.

I didn’t know the band, but the concert was still awesome. They had pretty catchy music, and I found myself clapping and cheering along enthusiastically.

At the end, when people started to leave, Liam asked me if I had had fun.

“Of course Li, thank you.” I smiled, and he pulled me in for a kiss. I was so happy that I could finally kiss Liam.

We also left the building and got into the car. I turned up the radio after Liam had started the car, and Let Her Go by Passenger played. I sang along softly, loving the happiness that I felt from only being together with Liam.

I thought that Liam would bring me home, so I was surprised when we went into another direction.

“Where are we going?” I questioned out loud, not really expecting an answer. Liam smiled and looked at me for a second.

“For me to know and you to find out.” He took another turn, and a park came into view. Liam parked close to the edge, and got out of the car. I curiously followed him. While he grabbed something out of the trunk, I looked around me.

He locked the car and told me to follow him. Somewhere in the middle of the park, he stopped and laid down a small blanket. I raised my eyebrows.

“Stargazing?” I asked him, which he answered with a happy nod. I shook my head with a small laugh, how cliché can a date get?

Nevertheless, it was still very nice. He laid down, and I laid down next to him. He pulled me into his side, and we just kinda laid there in silence, admiring the night sky, and each other. It was a moment of peace in our hectic lives, I guess.

I don’t know how long we laid there, staring at the sky, and glancing at each other. Later, when I almost fell asleep out of exhaustion, we went home. Once we sat in the car, I dozed off.

Liam woke me up again when we reached my house. He softly called my name a few times, and gently shook me. We both got out of the car, because he insisted on walking me to my door. I was so tired, that I didn’t see the car in the driveway, or the lights on in the living room.

We stood in front of my door, and he gave me a kiss goodbye, which resulted in another twenty. Finally, he waved at me, and went on his way. When he was out of sight, I sighed and turned around to walk inside. I toed off my shoes tiredly, and turned towards the stairs. The sight of my father, looking furious, was enough to shake me out of my sleepy state. A little behind my father stood my mother, who looked close to tears. I swallowed thickly, hoping that they hadn’t seen Liam kissing me.

“Hi?” I said, but it sounded like a question. My father looked even angrier.  

“Who was that?” he asked angrily, making me fold into myself a bit.

“That was Liam.” I answered. My father raised an eyebrow. It was obvious that he already knew, so I decided to just tell him. “My- my boyfriend.” That made him burst.

“We leave for one week, and you turn into- into one of them!” My father yelled at me, making me wince and my mother break down in tears.

“How could you do this to your mother and I? How? What have we done wrong?” He kept on yelling. After five minutes of yelling, he calmed down a bit.

“You will pack your bag, and leave this house in less than an hour, understand?” He said, and my mother let out a sob. I quickly nodded and brushed past them to pack a bag.  They flinched away from me as if I had a disease, and it hurt. A few silent tears streamed down my face, and I wiped them away angrily. I grabbed my most important drawings and my school stuff, and stuffed them into my schoolbag. I also stuffed as much clothing as I could into my suitcase. Surprisingly much fit into those two bags, so I didn’t have to leave a lot behind.

When I had finished, I watched back to my room. The walls were so bare without my drawings, it looked downright sad. I shook my head, and walked downstairs. I put on my shoes, pulled on my jacket and grabbed my wallet from where it laid on top of the drawer, and nodded goodbye to my parents, who were both standing there, watching my every movement. My father had his arms crossed in front of his chest, a stern expression on his face. My mother was crying, but still looked at me as if I was disgusting. She probably thought I was.

“Goodbye.” I softly said, getting no reply. I sighed, and walked outside, shutting the door softly behind me. I started walking, having no idea where I was gonna go.

When I had walked for about twenty minutes, it suddenly hit me that I had nowhere to go. I didn’t have a house, nor a family anymore. The thought almost made me break down, but I kept the sadness away for now, needing to be able to think clear. I must have looked so pathetic, wandering through the streets, alone, crying, and carrying two bags. I almost laughed, just thinking about how I probably looked. Then I finally broke down.

Through the tears, I started walking towards Liam’s house, hoping that he would open the door. After all, it was three am. When I arrived at his house, I was sobbing, and I knew for sure that I looked awful.

With a little bit of courage, I rang the doorbell, and winced when I heard it. I really hoped that Liam would open the door, because this would be hard to explain to his parents. I could see that someone turned on a small light in the hallway through the small window next to the door. I could hear the door being unlocked, and I prayed with all that I had that it would be Liam.

The door opened, and a sleepy Liam stood there in his boxers. His eyes widened when he saw the state in which I was. I let out another sob, and let me fall into his arms. He caught me and hugged me to his chest, making soothing sounds. He turned around, still holding me, and quickly pulled my bags inside before locking the door again. Then he took me to his kitchen, sat me down on the counter, and made me a cup of tea. When I had drowned the cup I already felt better, and the sobbing stopped. I was suddenly hit with a wave of exhaustion.

“What happened?” He asked me softly, while running his hand through my hair. I sighed and closed my eyes.

“They saw us kissing.” I mumbled, my eyes still closed. “They kicked me out.” He made some sort of noise in the back of his throat.

“Why would they do that?” He sounded angry. I only shrugged.

“They are ignorant.” I abruptly stood up, and almost tripped when I tried to take a step. Liam shot up and reached out to steady me. “Can we talk about it tomorrow? I’m tired.”

He took me upstairs and laid me down on his bed, and he went to grab my suitcases. Then he crawled in next to me and cuddled up to me. He put his arm around me, and pulled me into his chest. Laying like that, we fell asleep.

After an hour or so though, I shot awake from a nightmare. I was sweating, and quickly slipped out of the bed. I couldn’t sleep anymore, so I just went to write my day down.

I guess the day started pretty beautiful, and the date was perfect. It’s a shame that my parents had to ruin it.

I can’t even wrap my head around it yet. I don’t have a home anymore. _Fuck._

Zayn


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so sorry for making you wait so long. I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Dear diary,

Today I woke up with my head on a random pile of papers. I raised my head to see where I was, and it took me few seconds to figure out that I had fallen asleep at the desk while I was drawing. I removed the piece of paper that was stuck to my forehead and turned around to see where Liam was, to find that he was not in the room.

I heard the noise of a shower running in the background and figured that Liam was there, so I went to see what I had drawn yesterday evening. Not very surprising, there was a sketch of a sleeping Liam that was nowhere near finished. I must have been really tired.

I was just about to pick up my pencil to change a few lines when the door opened. Thinking it was Liam, I turned around. However, it wasn’t Liam that stood in the door opening, it was Karen. Her eyebrows rose when she saw me sitting.

“Good morning Zayn, I didn’t know you were here.” she said, but it kind of sounded like a question. I didn’t know what to answer, but before I had to, Liam appeared behind his mom. Karen turned around swiftly and placed her hand on her hip.

“Liam James Payne, explain to me why your boyfriend slept here last night without my permission.”  My heart fluttered, Liam had told his parents about me. He turned a pretty shade of pink.  

“Mom, nothing happened I swear.” He exclaimed, looking embarrassed and scandalized that his mother would even think of that. Karen threw him a disbelieving look.

“Oh please, when I was your age and I was alone in a room with my boyfriend-” she started, but Liam cut her off with a horrified look on his face.

“Mom, I didn’t want to know that.” He shook his head with a disgusted expression. “And Zayn just needed a place to stay for tonight.” Karen turned towards me, and her stern expression softened a bit.

“Why did you need a place to stay for the night, sweetie?” She asked me, and I swallowed thickly. I debated for a moment if I should tell her, and decided that it would be best to tell the truth, seeing that I would probably stay here for a while.

“Well.” I made eye contact with Karen, and then focused my eyes on some point on the wall. “I guess I should just start at the beginning, right? Right. So my parents are, eh, a bit homophobic? Well, more like very homophobic. And yesterday, Liam brought me back home and they were supposed to be away, so he kissed me goodbye, and they saw? So they got really angry, and then they just, eh, kicked me out?” I stuttered my way through an explanation. Karen’s expression had changed into one of pity.

“Oh sweetie.” She mumbled, and then hugged me. “You are welcome to stay here as long as you want to, okay?” she glanced towards Liam. “In a different room.” She added.

“Thank you.” I said, and released her. She took a step back.

“I will clean up the spare bedroom for you. And no funny business.” She said, waving a finger at Liam. Liam turned red again, and started mumbling about how ‘mothers are so embarrassing’. I started laughing fondly, thinking about how lucky I was that this boy is mine. Karen just shook her head with a fond smile and walked out of Liam’s room, shutting the door behind her.

“Don’t mind her.” Liam said, still a bit pink, but not as obviously as a moment earlier. He was so cute. I walked over to him and gave him a quick peck. When I pulled back, Liam’s hand was on the back of my neck and gently pulled my mouth back towards his. We kissed for a while, and just as it was about to get heated, the door opened. Liam and I broke apart quickly, but not quick enough.

“See? This is what I mean. I leave you alone for” Karen looked at her watch. “Five minutes and this happens.” Liam groaned and buried his face in his hands. I got pink too, but I saw the funny side in this.

“Sorry Karen, it won’t happen again.” I said with a chuckle, but I was certain that she knew that that wasn’t true.

“Oh slush boy. I came here to tell you that the guest room was all set for you, so you can move your stuff there. And if I catch you two again.” She trailed off, but she had a somewhat fond glint in her eyes. I laughed, and turned towards Liam again. He was watching the exchange with an even fonder look, and my heart burst with affection for the boy.

“You know Liam, you look very strong.” I said with a hopeful look, and Liam burst out laughing.

“I’m not carrying your bags for you.” He said, but then I pulled the puppy eyes and he crumbled. “Ugh, fine, I’ll do it.” I jumped in to hug him.

“Thanks Li.” I murmured happily. He tilted my chin up with his hand to give me a kiss, but before he even reached my lips, a pointed cough interrupted us. Karen was looking at us with her arms crossed and her eyebrows raised. Liam and I only needed one look at each other before we both began laughing. Karen lasted a whole off ten seconds before she started laughing too. After a while our laughter died out and Karen told us to just move my stuff to the other room.

Liam led the way with my bags, and opened the third door on the other side of the hallway. The room had a simple layout, with a black and white colour scheme, which made me yearn for my own room. In the room was a desk, a bed, a nightstand and a closet. On the walls were two pictures, both of Liam’s family. There were also a few random nails in the wall, where probably hung other pictures in the past. All in all, the room was pretty basic. Liam dropped my bags on the ground and sat down on the bed. I sat down next to him and rested my head on his shoulder.

“You okay?” He asked. To be honest, I didn’t know the answer.

“I don’t know.” I answered truthfully. “I guess it hasn’t hit me yet. It’s” I searched for the right word. “Surreal.” He nodded, and carefully turned a bit so he could hug me tight. I rested my head on his shoulder again, this time in a different angle.

“I can’t say I understand, because I don’t, but I’m trying.” He said, softly, as if not to break this moment. “I’m here for you, okay?” this time, it was my turn to nod, and in return he hugged me a little bit tighter. We stayed like until the air in the room felt less heavy and we had the feeling that we could just talk again.

“So, eh, can I hang my stuff on the walls?” I asked, and a small smile lit up his face again.

“Yes, of course you can, as long as it doesn’t damage the walls. My mum will kill you if that happens.” He chuckled, and just like that we were back to normal again.

We invited the boys over, partly because we didn’t have anything to do, but mostly because I needed to explain what had happened. While we were waiting for the boys to arrive, Liam and I picked a few drawings and paintings that should hang on the walls. In the end we settled for the one of the park, the one of the tree with the pink blossom, one of Liam (that one was my choice) and a few others.

When the boys arrived, first Harry and Louis together and then Niall, they were a bit confused to see my stuff in the room. Niall had joked a bit first (“Isn’t it a bit early to move in together?”) but stopped when he saw our serious expressions.

So there we were, all sitting on the bed, cramped together, Liam by my side, and Harry, Louis and Niall staring at me expectantly. I didn’t know how to start, so figured it would be best to just drop the bomb.

“So my parents kicked me out.” I said, and their expressions ranged from shocked to pitying to sad to angry.

“What? Why?” Harry asked, confusion and shock evident on his face.

“They saw me kissing Liam, and I guess they didn’t like that.” I shrugged, as if it wasn’t a big deal. Luckily both Niall and Liam saw right through me and gave me a hug. It soon turned into a group hug when Harry and Louis jumped in too.

“We are all here for you.” Harry said, while Louis nodded along.

“Don’t hesitate to call us or come over when you need someone to talk to.” Niall said, and even though he tried his best to look normal, I could see the hurt in his eyes. The hurt because I hadn’t come to him when I needed someone, even though he had always been there for me. I swallowed thickly.

The boys started to chatter loudly, and wanted to play video games, but something was a bit off. It was in the way Harry kept glancing at me from time to time, and in the way Louis made sure he didn’t make any jokes about me, and the way they all made sure to include me in every conversation they had. And even though I grew a bit irritated after the fourth time Louis caught himself just before making a joke, it still made me think about how lucky I actually am for having such wonderful friends.

Still, it was a relief when Karen had finally ushered them out of the house because it was weird today, it wasn’t our normal, easy friendship. It was difficult to see them acting so differently because of this. I think that, even though I really appreciate that they were so worried, I would have felt better if they would have just acted as always.

Liam and I just went to my room and laid down in silence for a bit. I don’t even know how it happened, but when Karen called us downstairs for dinner, we were cuddling.

When we came downstairs, Geoff was already sitting at the dinner table, and looked at me with some kind of pity in his eyes. I guess Karen had told him what had happened. We ate our dinner in silence, but it was less awkward than I would have expected. When we finished, I helped Karen with the dishes, and Liam and I went upstairs again.

To be honest, I am completely exhausted. Today was more draining than I thought it would be. I guess it is pretty difficult to tell everyone what happened. I’m going to bed though, because I don’t want to fall asleep at the desk again.

Zayn


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another one. Enjoy!

Dear diary,

Yesterday morning Karen asked me if I wanted to stay home, but I decided to just go to school because then I would have something else to think about. And Liam would be at school too. I think that was the main reason why I didn’t stay at home. Or Liam’s house. Well, I think that’s home now. I don’t even know.

So Liam and I got into his car that morning. I was so used to walking and driving with Harry that it just didn’t feel right. The silence in the car wasn’t really tense or anything, but it was just a bit off. The radio played softly in the background.

When we drove into the parking lot I was somewhat surprised to see that everything still looked the same as always, even though I knew that it would be. For me it just felt as if everything was turned upside down and I had no place to hold on to and still school looked the same. It felt a bit surreal, the last time I had seen this building I had had no idea what was coming.

I sighed and opened the door, but Liam’s hand on my arm stopped me from getting out.

“Are you sure that you can handle this?” he asked worriedly, his eyebrows drawn up together. I nodded, and gave him a small smile.

“I think so.” I said with another nod. After studying my face for a few seconds, he smiled and lifted his hand from my arm. I turned around and got out of Liam’s car.

When we arrived at our lockers, we found a pale Harry, Niall talking to him softly and an angry Louis. Liam and I glanced at each other. I went to hear what happened from Harry while Liam tried to calm Louis down.

“What happened?” I asked. Both Harry and Niall looked up.

“This fucker has been sending Harry threatening notes for a while, and Haz here thought that it wasn’t important enough to tell us.” Niall said, and he sounded pretty angry. “But now this fucker knows some things about Harry that are not meant to be known by other people.” Harry nodded along, still as pale as ever. I had no idea what this thing could be, but figured that I would find out when it was my time to know. And any fucker that messes with Harry, messes with us.

Louis had calmed down a bit, and was rubbing Harry’s back while Niall explained the story to Liam.

“Well who is this fucker then?” Liam asked, sounding angry. It took a lot to get Liam angry.

“We don’t know, that’s the problem. Maybe we should go to a teacher or something.” I said, but Harry only got paler with those words.

“No, then the teacher would know.” I made short eye contact with Liam and rose my eyebrow. He shrugged, clearly also having no idea what this was about.

Louis sighed and looked at the empty halls. We were so caught up in this thing that we had totally missed the bell.

“Let’s just skip today, okay? Gonna talk about it and explain to Liam and Zayn. And some things to Niall.” He said. We all nodded silently and walked outside, until we stood next to Harry’s car.

“Where are we going?” Niall asked, looking at us all. “The coffee shop?” he said when everybody stayed silent. Liam looked at his watch and then cleared his throat.

“We can better go to my house, my mom just left for work.” Everybody nodded and went to their own cars. When Liam and I were seated in the car again, I finally asked the question that I had been thinking since this started.

“What is this thing?” I asked, breaking the silence. Liam glanced at me and then looked back to the road.

“I don’t know, even though I have an idea.” He said, and even though I wanted to ask what he thought it was so badly, I could see that he didn’t want that, so I left it and the silence returned.

When we stopped in front of Liam’s house, Niall, Harry and Louis were already there because they had been driving in front of us. Liam opened the door and we all went inside, straight up to my room.

When we were all seated on my bed, Niall broke the silence.

“It’s weird to see all your stuff here.” He said, looking around. “I’m so used to your room.” I shrugged.

“Guess it’s not my room anymore, is it?” I said, carefully emotionless. It was silent for a few seconds, until Harry cleared his throat.

“So, this is a bit awkward.” he chuckled, but you could hear the tremble in his voice. “I mean, today and yesterday were both a bit awkward, weren’t they?” we all nodded. It was true, we were all so silent, it was not us. But a lot had happened in those two days.

“Oh god, how am I going to tell this?” He whispered to himself, but still loud enough for us to hear. He turned towards Louis and whispered something in his ear. In return Louis whispered something in Harry’s ear. Harry leaned back and took a deep breath.

“I don’t want you treating me any different, okay?” He said shakily. This made me question how big this actually was. He stood up and pulled off his trousers, and at first there was nothing to see. Then he pulled up his pants a little bit, so you could see his whole legs, and I felt pain shoot up my body.

Scars littered his upper legs, small, big, an almost faded brownish colour or angry red. There must’ve been hundreds. My breath hitched, and I heard Liam letting out an almost inaudible sound. Niall looked at his legs with big eyes.

“I’m depressed.” Harry said, pulling his pants down again and pulling on his trousers. “Official and everything, I even get the pills.” He said, waving a hand. “My mum knows, but she doesn’t know about the” he pointed at his legs. “Thing. Otherwise she would’ve send me to rehab long ago.” We were all silent, waiting for Harry to say more. When it became obvious that he wasn’t going to, Louis took over.

“I was the only one who knew about it all, and I think you can understand why he doesn’t want the whole school knowing.” He said, and I could hear the hurting in his voice.

“Why?” I asked, then rushed to add. “If you don’t mind telling us.” Harry smiled sadly, and shrugged, but started talking at the same time.

“I was fourteen, scared, I didn’t know where I belonged, I liked boys instead of girls, all of this caused me to see myself as weird, ugly and worthless, I guess.” Louis had started rubbing his back again. “I still am.” Harry added softly, and blinked harshly. I had no idea that he felt like this, because he looked so happy, all the time.

Louis looked sad, and hugged Harry from behind while murmuring things in his ears. I think that it must be so difficult to hear someone you love talk about themselves like that. I swallowed and looked at Liam, wondering if he ever felt something like that. I don’t love him yet, but I think that I definitely can sometime. 

I looked at everyone’s faces to see their reactions. Niall looked shocked, as if he didn’t know what to say or do, which he probably didn’t. Louis face was a bit harder to see, because Harry had turned around and had buried his face in Louis’ shoulder, pushing his curls in Louis’ face. What I did see of his face showed love, but mostly hurting. I couldn’t look at it for very long, it made me so sad. I couldn’t see Harry’s face, but his shoulders were shaking so I think he was crying. Lastly, Liam’s face had a mixture of pity, shock, but also something that I couldn’t really give a name. It was something close to understanding.

I could feel my eyes growing big and quickly distracted myself by looking at Louis’ hand rubbing circles in Harry’s back while my thoughts raced around. Because if you understand something like this, you almost had to have been through this, or at least something like this. I swallowed thickly. After a while I slowly shuffled closer to Liam. I just sat there for a moment, wondering how you ask something like that.

“Hey Li?” I whispered quietly, so the others couldn’t hear. Liam looked at me questionably and tilted his head, as if to ask what I wanted to know. He looked like a puppy in that moment. I bit my lip.

“Are you okay?” I asked, knowing that I couldn’t ask it any other way without pushing. I just really hoped that he would understand the underlying question. He studied my face for a moment.

“Why are you asking?” He finally asked, not answering. I internally groaned, I really didn’t know how to ask this question.

“You just have this look on your face.” I trailed off, looked at him.

“Yeah, I went through some sort of depression when I was fourteen as well, nowhere near this bad though, I didn’t do anything.” He answered finally. I understood what he meant with those last few words. He looked at me with a smile, as if showing me that he was fine now. Still, I asked him, just to be sure.

“But you’re okay now?” He smiled again, and nodded.

“Yeah, I am.” I hugged him, and only when we broke apart I noticed Niall looking at us with a smile. Harry also broke apart from Louis and wiped a hand under his eyes.

“Sorry.” He mumbled, looking down at the ground. This was a totally different Harry than normal, so insecure. I guess that it is hard, to expose such a vulnerable part of yourself. He wiped at his eyes again, and suddenly looked up when Liam spoke up.

“This may sound so cliché.” Liam said. “But it actually does get better.” Harry smiled wobbly, and shook his head so lightly that it was almost impossible to see.

“That’s what everybody says.” He said, a sad tone in his voice. “But I’ve been waiting for so long, and it just, it doesn’t.” He smiled sadly. “When Louis came along it did, it’s still better than first, but it’s not _better_ , if you know what I mean.” It really hurt, to listen to him talking like that. I had the feeling that I should’ve known, that I should have noticed something. I had no idea. As if he could read my mind, Harry spoke up again.

“It’s not like you would have been able to notice anything, so don’t blame yourselves please.” He said, but I still wondered how I could not have seen it. Even when I thought back, I couldn’t find anything in Harry’s behaviour that pointed towards depression.

“Well, know that you can always go to us if you have any problems.” Niall spoke, and we all nodded along. Harry smiled again, this time more real.

“I’m pretty lucky to have you guys as friends.” He said, and with that this subject was closed off.

That evening, when I was lying in bed, it suddenly hit me all at once. Getting kicked out, not having a family or a real home anymore, I mean. I bit my lip and blinked harshly to chase the tears away, but I didn’t succeed. Fat tears rolled down my cheeks, and I angrily wiped them away. After ten minutes of trying to calm myself down, I decided to just go to Liam. After all, he had said that I could always come to him.

I sneaked out of my room, into the hallway, and looked around to see if anyone was there. When I saw that there was no one but me, I tiptoed over to Liam’s room. I stood in front of his door for a moment, wiping my tears away once again, and opened the door as quietly as I could. It was dark in the room, I couldn’t see anything. I stepped into the room hesitantly, and closed the door again. I stood awkwardly for a few seconds, before taking another hesitant step.

“Liam?” I whispered, waving my arms in front of me to make sure that I wouldn’t walk into a wall or something. I cringed when I heard the small tremble in my voice.

“Li?” I tried again, a little louder. I heard the rustling of blankets from where I assumed the bed was.

“Zayn?” Liam’s voice was rough, and I realised that I must have woken him up. I heard more rustling. “What’s wrong?” he asked, sounding more awake now.

“I couldn’t sleep, was thinking too much.” As if to prove my point, a soft sob accompanied my tears. I cursed my own body for a moment.

“Zayn? Are you okay? Come here.” He said, and I stepped into the direction of his voice. When I reached the bed, I felt Liam’s hand grabbing my arm and softly pulled me down next to him. I don’t know why, but this made me cry harder. Maybe because he was so gentle with me.

“Hey, what’s wrong Z?” He asked worriedly, pulling me in for a hug. His hand was in my hair, playing with it. A sob shook my body, and his grip on me tightened. He started humming and making soothing sounds.

“It’s just, I don’t have a place anymore, do I?” I whispered, another sob leaving my mouth. “I just don’t belong anywhere anymore. Wasn’t I worth enough to my parents?” I whispered, tears still rolling down my face. I wiped the tears away, but new ones quickly replaced them.

“Sh, it’s all okay, you belong here now. And your parents just did what they think was best for everyone involved.” I cried a little harder, did they really think that this was the best solution?

We were silent after that, until I was so exhausted by all the crying that I had almost fallen asleep.

“You belong here now, with me.” Liam whispered, just before I drifted away.

This morning I woke up with crusty eyes, as if I had been crying. It took me a moment to realize that I had indeed cried. I quickly looked around to see where Liam was, but couldn’t find him. I did find a note, that said:

_Good morning! I hope you slept well :) mum said that you could skip school, but didn’t let me skip too :( anyway, I’ll be back around 3:30, see you then! Xx Li_

I smiled and put the note back down before standing up and stretching. I first walked over to my room to put on some clothes. When I was ready with that, I quickly washed my face and went downstairs, leaving my hair down for the day. I found out that I was home alone, and went to make some eggs with bacon.

After that I watched some TV, waiting for Liam to get home. When I finally heard the door opening, I almost flew up from the couch. When Liam came in I hugged him tightly, and kissed him. Thankfully he kissed me back, so it wasn’t awkward. When I pulled back, I saw that he had a big smile on his face.

“Thanks for last night, sorry for keeping you up.” I mumbled into his neck. I felt the smile getting wider on his face, and he raked a hand through my hair again. I think he likes my hair. Only then I realised that we actually had been together for less than a week. I also smiled, I had no idea that I could have feelings for someone this strong so early in the relationship.

We spent the whole day in Liam’s room, making out, cuddling, and watching a movie. When we went downstairs for dinner, Karen smiled at me fondly, and it almost felt normal, to live here. Almost.

I think that I underestimated how hard we all have it. I mean, we are expected to put on a brave face and act as if everything is great all the time, but, looking at these last few days, I think that we actually have pretty hard lives. All of us. There are always things that people don’t know about us, I noticed that yesterday. Maybe one day I’ll get to know everything about Liam. I sure hope so.

He also knows I have a diary now, seeing that he’s sitting on the other side of the room right now. He’s pretending to make homework, but he looks at me when he thinks that I don’t notice. I notice. It’s adorable, really.

Zayn


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops. Sorry for not updating in the last two months or so. Enjoy this chapter!

Dear diary,

Wednesday morning began pretty normal compared to the days before. Liam and I were woken up by Karen, who tried to look stern but failed because she had this fond look in her eyes. We had breakfast with her and got ready for school.

The car ride was already less tense than the day before, with both of us singing along to radio loudly and laughing. It was easy, like it had been before this weekend. We pulled up in front of school and Liam turned off the car before we got out. When we were standing in front of the schools doors he kissed me and asked me if I was totally sure that I could face a day at school, which I was, and we walked inside.

When we were walking towards our lockers, we saw a crowd of people already standing there. We exchanged one look and walked a little bit quicker to see what was happening. We found, once again, a pale-looking Harry, and an angry Louis. Louis was pinning Damon against the wall, and was shouting at him. Niall was nowhere to be seen. I pushed my way to the front and saw that Liam was doing the same.

“Lou, what are you doing?” I asked Louis, looking from him to Damon and back.

“Guess who has been sending those notes to Hazza.” He angrily spat, and then punched Damon in the gut. Damon tried to double over, but for such a little guy, Louis is pretty strong, and he kept him pinned against the wall. Confused, I looked at Damon.

“What? How could you? Wait, where’s Niall?” I asked looking around for him. I heard shouting and a teacher was walking this way. When it was apparent that I wouldn’t get an answer, I turned around and walked over to where Liam was standing next to Harry.

“I’m going to look for Niall.” I said, and then glanced at Harry, who was only looking at Louis and not at all paying attention to us. “And please, stay with Harry.” I said, receiving a nod in return.

I walked off, knowing exactly where Niall was. After all, we had been friends for years. When I approached the music room, where I thought Niall was, I took a deep breath. I opened the door, and spotted him immediately. He was sitting in the corner, on the ground, next to the guitars.

“Oh Niall.” I sighed, and walked over to him, sitting down next to him. I let him cuddle in my side, letting him sob in my shoulder, while I tried to soothe him.

“He- he just, I don’t know, I thought that he was-.” He broke down again, sobbing loudly.

“I know Ni, I thought he was nice too.” I gently said, rubbing his back while he kept murmuring that he was stupid and that he should’ve never believed Damon when he told him he loved him back and that he even met his family.

“But maybe he really did love you.” I said, not expecting the wave of new tears that hit with those words.

“No, he really told me, in front of all those people, that I was such a naive boy for believing him.” he sobbed, and I thought about all the ways how I was going to kill Damon. When the sobs had died down a bit, I looked at the clock. We had already missed the biggest part of first period, and I decided that we could skip second too.

“Come on, we’re going to get some coffee.” I said, and helped him up. We stopped at the bathroom because Niall wanted to wash his face. While he did that, I answered Liam’s texts saying that we were alright and that we were going to go to the coffee shop.

When we were walking through the halls some people shot Niall looks, but I returned these with venomous ones until people just avoided us. We walked towards the coffee shop since it was down the street.

When we stepped inside we were greeted by the barista, and we ordered some drinks. Coffee for Niall, tea for me. We sat down and spend the first few minutes in silence, lost in our own thoughts.

“Sorry.” Niall said, making me snap out of my thoughts, which consisted mostly of Liam, and look up at him.

“’s not your fault Ni.” I said, watching him closely for any clues on how he felt. His left eye twitched, and the muscles in his jaw tensed for a fraction of a second, as if he wanted to protest but decided not to.

“But it was, I should’ve never believed him.” He said bitterly after a short silence. I shook my head softly, but kept my mouth shut, knowing that he wouldn’t believe me. I drank the last sip of my tea, and stood up, knowing that Niall had finished his drink a moment earlier.

“Shall we.” I said, with a small smile, making one break through on Niall’s face too. He stood up, adjusted his shirt and wiped his eyes, even though there was nothing to wipe away.

We arrived at school just in time for third hour, which was art. Liam asked me what happened and I gave him a very short summary before we had to go work on the next project, which was to paint or draw something that described your personality. I quite like this project, because I can just let my imagination run.

That afternoon Harry, Louis and Niall came with us to hang out. As soon as we were inside my room, Harry’s smile disappeared, and he sighed tiredly, letting himself fall on the bed. He ran a hand over his face, and closed his eyes. Louis softly sat down next to him and pulled him into his side, kissing him on the temple. I looked away, feeling as if I was intruding on an intimate moment. I saw Liam doing the same and made eye contact with him. His eyes crinkled when he smiled and pulled me into his side.

“So.” I said, not knowing what to say next, but wanting to break the silence. “Movie?” Liam finished, shooting me another smile. The others nodded, not in the mood to do anything but sit. Liam put on some romance movie, I don’t know which one. The whole movie long I was looking at Liam, and occasionally at Harry or Niall to see if they were okay.

Harry cried when the man died, as usual, and I don’t know for sure but I thought that I saw Louis pinking away a tear too. He liked to act all though but secretly he was a huge softie. Niall had fallen asleep, snoring softly.

And when I was lying awake in Liam’s arms that night while he was snoring softly in my hair, I thought about how amazing my friends were.

Thursday was okay. We went to school, paid attention in class, threw a glare at the odd person sending Niall strange looks and tried not to die of boredom.

After classes, I walked over to Liam’s car, waiting for him. It would be just the two of us, none of the other boys. It was nice, being with the other boys, but I missed my alone time with Liam.

When he arrived I greeted him with a quick kiss before getting into his car, which he had just unlocked.

“Hi babe.” Liam said, his smile crinkling up his eyes. “Had a nice day?”

“Everyone kept throwing weird looks at Ni.” I sighed, rolling the window down. It started to get cold outside, but I still liked the window open. “I hate it.” I mumbled, sticking my hand out of the window, feeling the wind glide through my fingers.

“I know, but it’ll stop when someone else does something.” He said, making me hum in response.

“Probably.” I said, pulling my hand back and closing the window again. The rest of the car ride was spent in a peaceful silence, Green Day playing softly in the background.

When we arrived home we went straight up to Liam’s room, giggling about God knows what. We fell down on Liam’s bed, him on top of me, and slowly our giggles subsided, until we were just staring into each other’s eyes breathing heavily. It reminded me of that time we were play wresting at my house, before we were together. I seemed so long ago, so much had happened since then.

Only this time, I _could_ kiss him, so I did. He happily leaned into it, lifting one hand to my hair and letting the other rest on my waist. His tongue swiped across my bottom lip, and suddenly the kiss turned heated. After a while, Liam shifted a bit, and I could feel something nudge my thigh. _Oh._ I could feel a problem starting in my jeans too, and I could tell that Liam could feel it too. He grinned into the kiss, and grabbed both of my wrists in one hand and lifted them above my head. Who knew I liked that. His other hand started to wander, teasingly stroking my collarbones, and then my sides. His hand trailed over my stomach, leaving goose bumps. Before he could get any lower though, he broke away from the kiss.

“This okay?” He asked, his hand resting on my stomach. I was panting, and shot him an _‘are you kidding me’_ look.

“Does it look like it isn’t?” I asked, the sarcasm thick in my voice. He chuckled, and leaned down again. Just before my lips, he stopped again.

“Is it okay if I-.” He stopped talking, but his hand moved lower to show what he meant. I nodded, and leaned up to connect our lips again. He kissed me back, and his hand was moving closer-

“Liam!” We heard Karen call from downstairs. “I’m home!” Liam groaned and buried his head in my neck.

“Okay mom!” He called back. He smiled apologetically at me and got off of me, releasing my hands and flopping down next to me. He sighed, and groaned again.

“Kind of ruined the mood, didn’t it?” He remarked, sounding bitter. I turned my head so I could look at him.

“Kind of.” I said, giving him a small smile. He chuckled and gave me a soft kiss.

“Next time.” He promised. We stayed in Liam’s room until dinner, during which Liam wore a slightly pissed off look. After dinner we went to his room again, just talking about nothing.

Friday morning I woke up in Liam’s arms again. Karen knew, but had given up trying to stop us. We went to school, did everything we had to, and went home again.

When we stepped inside, the first thing we saw were suitcases in the hallway. I was surprised, and wanted to ask Liam what was happening, but he had already walked into the living room. I found him talking to Karen, who looked kinda stressed, walking towards the hallway.

“-On the counter for groceries if you need to buy some, but you can also spend it on other things, whatever you want, and don’t forget to wash the dishes. Also-” She rattled off.

“Mom. We’ll be fine.” Liam reassured her. “Have fun, see you Monday.” He added, and closed the door behind her. I stood there, stunned, because _what was happening?_

I must have looked very confused, because Liam chuckled and explained.

“They are going on a trip to France together.” My eyebrows rose in a silent question. “My dad’s work offered the trip, but they only knew yesterday.” He supplied helpfully.

“Is it really that wise to let your teenage son alone for two days with his boyfriend?” I said, with a grin. He chuckled and stepped closer to me, kissing me.

In no time we were on his bed in his room, making out. He was on top of me again, and I found that I quite enjoyed that position. His hands trailed down, lower and lower, making my breath come out in hot, short pants. He reached the waistline of my jeans, and once again broke away from me to ask if I was okay with what he was doing. I nodded quickly, because yeah, I was more than okay with it. Instead of actually doing something below the waistline, he first pulled off my shirt, and then his own. He did nothing for a few seconds, and I felt my cheeks grow hot.

“What?” I asked him, crossing my arms over my chest. He pulled away my arms and leaned down again.

“Just admiring the view.” He said, smile on his face, and kissed me again. His hand wandered down again, playing with my nipples first for a bit, making me moan softly. Then his hands trailed lower, and he finally pulled down my jeans. Or, he tried to. I chuckled, and pushed away his hands to quickly do it myself. While I did that, he pulled off his own, and we went on with kissing. He touched me all over, making my skin feel hot everywhere, except for where I needed him most. Finally, he cupped my dick.

I can’t describe what happened, partly because there are no words to describe that feeling, but also partly because I am kind of afraid of someone finding this diary later and reading about _that._ The only things I’m going to say about it are that he gave me a wicked blowjob, that I moaned very loudly, and that I gave him a hand job after.

When we were finished, and we were cuddling, sweaty and sticky, Liam opened his mouth again.

“You know.” He started. “You look kind of insanely beautiful. Like, all the time. Even during-” A smile had formed on his face, teasing, but at the same time soft, fond.

“Liam!” I squeaked, hiding my face in his chest. He chuckled, and could feel it in his chest.

“You really do though.” He said, after a few seconds. I blushed, but cuddled closer to him at the same time, tangling our legs together. It was silent for a few minutes. It had gotten dark already, and since we hadn’t turned on any lights, it was also dark in the room.

“I think I love you.” Liam said, softly, quietly, as if he was talking to an animal, not wanting it to run away. My heart missed a beat or two, and then seemed to swell to about a thousand times its original size.

“Really?” I whispered, feeling a smile tug at my lips.

“Really.” He whispered back, and I could hear the nervousness in his voice. The smile finally broke though.

“I love you too.” I whispered back, and I could hear his heartbeat fasten from where my head was laying on his chest. I fell asleep like that.

Right now it’s Saturday morning, and ridiculously early, but I woke up and I couldn’t sleep anymore, so here I am, writing down my past week again. I noticed that this diary is almost full, while I haven’t even written a lot. Maybe I should stop drawing Liam on every empty page.

Zayn


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for making you wait for so long! Say thanks to Mel who commented on the last chapter and reminded me of the fact that real life people were waiting for this

Dear diary,

Yesterday when Liam woke up he took me out for breakfast. He ordered pancakes with blueberries and I ordered pancakes with chocolate chips. The waitress kept throwing us looks, especially Liam. After we had finished our pancakes, the waitress came over to pick up the plates and ask us if we wanted anything else, and I don’t think she really needed to bow down that far to pick up Liam’s plate. And then, when Liam went to pay, she wrote her number on the receipt. So, of course, I kissed him, maybe a little bit too heated, just before we were out the door. It’s a shame I couldn’t see her face.

“What was that about?” Liam asked with a laugh, pretending to wipe his mouth. “Not that I’m complaining or anything.” He added quickly upon seeing my face, which made me laugh.

“Nothing.” I smiled, grabbing his hand and hip checking him. “It’s just that the waitress was a bit too friendly to you.” He grinned, and I knew what was coming before he even opened his mouth.

“Jealous, are we?” A smug look had formed on his face, and I playfully smacked his bum, which made him laugh louder than he already was.

“Maybe a bit.” I grinned, not being able to help it. Liam has that effect on me. “But you love me anyway.” My heart stuttered at those words, even if I was the one saying them, because I knew they were true. His smile widened, his eyes crinkling into half-moons. He’s so cute. He yanked at my hand while turning around himself, making me fall into him, and wrapped his arms around my middle.

“That.” He pecked my lips once before leaning back again. “Is very true.” And then kissed me for real. It was a very sweet, slow kiss, one you see in romantic comedies when they kiss in the rain. I couldn’t think about anything except for Liam, his lips, and the way I would write sonnets about them if I could. A loud hiss made us break apart.

“Fags.” The woman who said it was looking at us in disgust, as if we were the devil himself. Liam looked like a kicked puppy immediately, having never experienced things like that before. At least, not that I know of. Instead of doing something stupid, like hitting an elderly woman, I dragged Liam away, towards his car that was parked a few metres away. The woman was still looking at us, and I gave her the finger before getting into the car next to Liam, who had just got in himself. The woman shook her head before walking away.

“Hey, you okay?” I asked worriedly after a few moments of silence. Liam seemed to snap out of whatever he was thinking and nodded quickly.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m okay. Sorry.” He started the car, but there was a tense line in his shoulders, and his fingers kept drumming against the steering wheel. I looked outside for a moment, trying to calm myself down. The morning had been so perfect, why did that woman have to ruin it?

When we were parked in front of the house, neither of us got out of the car. We were sitting in silence, not really wanting to talk about it. Eventually though, I reached out for Liam’s arm.

“Hey.” I whispered, a small smile on my face. “You want to go inside? It’s getting kinda cold in here.” He nodded quietly, and we got out of the car.

Once we were inside and I had made us some tea, Liam finally spoke up again.

“Sorry.” He said, taking another sip of his tea. I shot him a confused look, making him continue. “Sorry for letting that woman ruin our morning, it’s just. How can you not be, like, affected by this? You’re just smiling and laughing and making tea.” He looked frustrated, as if he genuinely didn’t understand.

“Babe, I am sad and frustrated and angry that she did that, but I’m not going to let it ruin our day.” I tried to smile, but failed, because I really was angry. “And besides, I’m sort of used to this kinda thing.” Liam frowned, his eyebrows pulling together adorably.

“What do you mean?” He sounded so sad.

“Well, I am different, right? I have a different skin colour and a different religion, and also different hobbies, so yeah. And people don’t like different.” I shrugged. “It is what it is. Let’s just stop talking about this right now, okay? We have a free weekend without your parents, and we’re not going to let it go to waste because of some stupid woman, yes?”

“Yeah. I can think of some better things to do.” Liam said with a filthy smile. He got up and walked towards me slowly, and my heart was starting to beat quicker. Suddenly, he attacked my sides with his hands, making me cry out, because hot damnI’m ticklish there. We fell down to the floor, me almost crying with laughter at that moment, and rolled around. I was trying to wrestle him off but the laughing made my muscles weak and he was way stronger anyway.

“I-” I gasped for air, trying to grab his hands to make him stop. “Please stop.” I laughed out, trying to keep breathing but it was nearly impossible, mostly because of the tickling, but also because Liam was on top of me at that moment, pinning me down, and it was really hot. “Liam!” I cried out when he squeezed my side gently one last time.

“Sorry, couldn’t resist.” Liam said with an innocent smile. He leaned down a bit, until his lips were ghosting over mine. “Kiss to make up for it?” he said, and closed the distance between our lips without waiting for an answer. He was still pinning me down, and I was already half hard in my jeans, so when he licked over my bottom lip, I couldn’t help the moan that slipped out of my mouth.

Surprised, Liam pulled back for a moment, but then continued kissing me, only more heated than before. After a minute or two I could feel him getting hard too, and I grinned into the kiss before grinding upwards into him. He gasped, clearly not expecting that. He broke the kiss and looked down at me, panting slightly.

“Upstairs?” he asked, his voice kind of low and a whole lot of sexy. We got up, and made our way up to Liam’s room, kissing all the while. When we got in, Liam basically threw me on the bed, and climbed on top of me. I smiled softly.

“Hey babe.” I said, grabbing his shirt and pulling him down a bit. His pupils where dilated, and he was still kind of panting. His hair was a mess, and I could imagine myself looking the same. Without saying anything else, he kissed me again, running his hands all over me. When he came to my sides again, I giggled and slapped his hands away, making him laugh. He stopped laughing when I pressed my leg up against his crotch, making him moan out instead.

“Shirt. Off.” He said quickly while tugging at the hem of my shirt. I complied by sitting up the slightest bit and tugging my shirt over my head, flinging it away without looking where it would land. Liam also tugged off his shirt, and the muscles in his arms bulged when he put his arms next to my head to hold himself up. How can he be cute and hot at the same time?

Our lips crashed together again, a lot more rough than before, and his hands wandered all over my stomach, stopping at the button of my jeans to get them undone. I wiggled out of my jeans with difficulty, and saw Liam doing the same. He started playing with my nipples again, just like Friday, only he took longer this time. He wandered lower with his right hand, brushing over my dick, and down to my thighs.

“Fuck, Liam.” I moaned out, almost whining. He kissed me again and pulled down my pants at the same time. I made a relieved noise, which soon turned into a moan again because Liam had grabbed me loosely and started tugging. Not nearly tight enough to really get off, but just enough to make me very frustrated. I wanted to say something again, to make him hurry the fuck up, but then he was gone, rolling over to the other side of the bed. I whined low in my throat and wanted to ask him what the fuck he was doing, but then he turned around with a condom in his right hand and lube in the other.

Oh. I had forgotten about that part. He disregarded the items in the sheets and was on top of me again a second later, kissing and touching me again. I tucked a hand into his pants to touch him, and he quickly pulled them down and kicked them off. When he was on top of me again he grabbed two hands full of my ass and squeezed, making me moan. He pulled back slightly, panting a bit.

“Have you ever done this before?” he asked me, no judgement in his eyes. I shook my head, and went to pull him back down, but he stayed where he was. “Ever fingered yourself?” He asked, and I burned a bright red.

“Yeah, few times. ‘S been a while though.” I answered him quietly. Pulling him down again, I kissed him hard. He manhandled me, which was quite hot, so I was on all fours. I felt kind of exposed like that, but that all vanished when his finger, slick with lube, started circling my rim. Suddenly he pulled his finger away, making me whine again.

“You’ve never been rimmed I take it?” And oh. I shook my head quickly, getting more aroused than I already was, because it sounded pretty good. I heard nothing for a few seconds, and then I felt Liam’s tongue running over my hole, making me keen because it felt amazing. With one of his hands he was fondling my balls, and then he started slowly fucking my hole with his tongue. It felt like nothing I have ever felt before. After a few minutes my arms started shaking so bad that I couldn’t hold myself up. I collapsed on top of the sheets, gripping them as if I would float away if I didn’t. My thighs had started shaking too, so badly that Liam had grabbed my hips to hold me up and in place.

“Li.” I moaned high and loudly when he slipped a finger in alongside his tongue. It was too much and not enough all at once. My eyes rolled to the back of my head when Liam did a thing with his tongue. I was dizzy with arousal, and tried to get a hand on my aching dick, only to have Liam slapping it away.

“No.” He said, voice low and sexy. He went back to rimming me, making me keen loudly. I couldn’t even think about being embarrassed about my moaning, in fact, I couldn’t think anything except for _LiamLiamLiamLiamLiam_. I tried grinding down onto the sheets to get some friction, but Liam held me up, and added another finger. Actual tears rolled down my face, that’s how good it was. When Liam caressed the back of my thigh I was gone, coming all over the sheets with a sob. I couldn’t see anything but white for a moment and collapsed when Liam let me go.

When I had come around a bit later, I looked to the side to see Liam getting himself off. I felt insanely guilty for not doing anything, but didn’t have the power to get up to actually go help him. He came with my name on his lips, which was kind of hot.

After a few seconds of catching his breath he laid down and wrapped his arms around me, cuddling up against me.

“You okay? You were gone for a second there, didn’t even have to touch you.” He said, fond tone to the words. I blushed, all the embarrassment coming now. I buried my head in his chest, smiling anyway.

“Yeah, ‘m fine.” I mumbled. “‘T was just really good.” He chuckled warmly, tightening his arms around me. Liam’s arms were all big and warm, making me even sleepier than I already was. I yawned. “Can we go to sleep now?” I asked, words already kind of slurred.

“We need to shower first, babe.” I made a noise of disagreement, not wanting to get up.

“Or we can just clean up a bit and shower later.” Liam chuckled and let go of me, making me curl into myself a bit. I heard him walking away, and drifted out of consciousness for a moment, waking up again when Liam came back with a washcloth. I don’t know when I fell asleep again, but when I woke up it was evening, and my stomach was eating itself in search of food. Liam was still asleep next to me, and he looked so peaceful that I didn’t want to wake him up.

I got up quietly and grabbed my pants and the nearest sweater I found, which was Liam’s, so way to big. I put them on quickly, because I was freezing, and walked downstairs. I searched the cabinets for something to eat, and went about making some spaghetti. When I glanced at the clock I saw that it was already ten, so it was no surprise that I was hungry.

When I had almost finished the sauce, Liam walked into the kitchen, looking really sleepy and adorable.

“Hey Li.” I walked up to him for a hug and a kiss. “I made spaghetti because I was hungry and I figured you would be too.” Liam nodded and sat down, rubbing his eyes while yawning.

“You were already passed out when I came back from the bathroom earlier.” He said, a fond smile on his face. “You looked really cute like that, even though it was a pain to get you to move aside so I could lay down again too.” I blushed, a sheepish smile on my face.

“Sorry.” I apologized softly, turning off the stove and dividing the food over two plates. I carried them both to the table and we ate in an easy silence, sneaking glances at each other. When we finished I put the plates in the dishwasher and turned around, leaning against the counter.

“Bed?” I asked, getting a nod in agreement from Liam. I switched off the lights in the kitchen and we went upstairs once again. I settled in Liam’s arms in bed, and sighed contently.

“Goodnight, love you.” He whispered into the dark. I thought about the fact that it’s been, what, three weeks? And he loves me, and I love him. Apparently, life can change that fast.

“Love you too, Li.” I said, and drifted into unconsciousness.

Right now it’s Sunday morning, and this is the last page of my diary. There are at least fifty drawings of Liam in here, maybe more, and also a lot of other drawings. I have read this whole diary again, and I can’t believe how much has changed. Also, Liam read it with me. He laughed so hard at the first page. He constantly says, “Eyes that can make the North Pole melt” and then starts laughing really loudly. Asshole. I love him anyway.

Maybe I’ll start a new diary, maybe I won’t. I’ll see. Right now I’m going to go out with Liam, he’s taking me out on a date again. The fucker won’t tell me where we are going. Again.

Zayn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. That was the end. I know, kinda shitty. But hey, there's smut! *hides because she's never written smut before and it's probably unbelievably bad*   
> I hope you all liked it!


End file.
